If the Grammy Awards was a fatal car crash:

• Alicia Keys is the paramedic administering sedatives to the injured through her soporific piano ballads.

• The earrings of Alicia Keys are the thick chains used by the fire brigade to haul the car wreckage away from the scene.

• The incessant, automatic applause of the audience after each award, performance or speech is the dumb line of bollards outlining the scene of the accident.

• Jamie Foxx singing as Ray Charles (again) is the over-keen actor with a walk-on part in Casualty who is riding in the ambulance for the experience.

• Jennifer Lopez brandishing her arse to distract attention from her abysmal songs is the officious police officers putting up a giant screen around the dead and dying to provide them with some dignity.

• The process of handing out awards to the minutest genres of music is the amoral paramedic bleeding one of the corpses dry for his mate with a Dracula fixation.

• Preening Bono is the deluded priest lobbying the seriously injured to covert to Catholicism before they expire or they will spend all eternity in Hell.

• The unkempt The Edge is the shifty passer-by innocent of all involvement in the accident but who the police arrest anyway, just to be on the safe side.

• Pharrell Williams’ stilted, mechanical delivery of the nominees for Best Rock Album is a witness giving the police the registration number of a car seen speeding away from the crash.

• Jennifer Lopez’s vacuous performance is the rising glamorous, but completely soulless, news reporter asking witnesses she interviews to be over-emotional, and even cry if possible, so her report has more impact.

• The very brief notation along the bottom of the screen of who won the minor awards is the telephone number being constantly flashed up that worried relatives can call at a rate of £1 per minute or 50p per text message.

• Maroon 5 is the oil that has spilt all over the road yet uniquely fails to ignite thanks to the sheer lack of passion contained within the comatose atoms.

• The rehearsed rebellion of Green Day’s American Idiot is a rugby team’s minibus slowly crawling past the scene from where, upon seeing the rolling TV cameras, two players moon through the window.

• Joss Stone’s exaggerated hand movements are the bored traffic cop duly waving oncoming vehicles through the only open lane of the motorway with ostentatious vigour.

• Usher jerkily prancing around the stage is the moment during the accident when a wheel becomes detached from the car and skips violently down the road and into a

ditch.

• James Brown’s geriatric dancing is the half-crippled driver staggering away from his vehicle fearful that it might explode.

• The spontaneous, arbitrary standing ovations are the irregular heartbeat of the severely injured on the screen of portable cardiograms at the roadside.

• Kanye West is the paramedic talking utter bollocks to a trapped driver in order to prevent him falling unconscious.

• The 30 minute period during the awards in which all the Country and Western and Jazz prizes were handed out is the half hour of inky oblivion suffered by a driver after the moment of fierce impact.

• The whole tortuous broadcast of the Grammy Awards is the firemen taking two hours to painstakingly remove a spear of metal that has impaled the abdomen of a wounded passenger.