The Grammy Awards 2005, ITV2

by | Feb 13, 2005 | All, Reviews

If the Grammy Awards was a fatal car crash:

• Alicia Keys is the paramedic administering sedatives to the injured through her soporific piano ballads.

• The earrings of Alicia Keys are the thick chains used by the fire brigade to haul the car wreckage away from the scene.

• The incessant, automatic applause of the audience after each award, performance or speech is the dumb line of bollards outlining the scene of the accident.

• Jamie Foxx singing as Ray Charles (again) is the over-keen actor with a walk-on part in Casualty who is riding in the ambulance for the experience.

• Jennifer Lopez brandishing her arse to distract attention from her abysmal songs is the officious police officers putting up a giant screen around the dead and dying to provide them with some dignity.

• The process of handing out awards to the minutest genres of music is the amoral paramedic bleeding one of the corpses dry for his mate with a Dracula fixation.

• Preening Bono is the deluded priest lobbying the seriously injured to covert to Catholicism before they expire or they will spend all eternity in Hell.

• The unkempt The Edge is the shifty passer-by innocent of all involvement in the accident but who the police arrest anyway, just to be on the safe side.

• Pharrell Williams’ stilted, mechanical delivery of the nominees for Best Rock Album is a witness giving the police the registration number of a car seen speeding away from the crash.

• Jennifer Lopez’s vacuous performance is the rising glamorous, but completely soulless, news reporter asking witnesses she interviews to be over-emotional, and even cry if possible, so her report has more impact.

• The very brief notation along the bottom of the screen of who won the minor awards is the telephone number being constantly flashed up that worried relatives can call at a rate of £1 per minute or 50p per text message.

• Maroon 5 is the oil that has spilt all over the road yet uniquely fails to ignite thanks to the sheer lack of passion contained within the comatose atoms.

• The rehearsed rebellion of Green Day’s American Idiot is a rugby team’s minibus slowly crawling past the scene from where, upon seeing the rolling TV cameras, two players moon through the window.

• Joss Stone’s exaggerated hand movements are the bored traffic cop duly waving oncoming vehicles through the only open lane of the motorway with ostentatious vigour.

• Usher jerkily prancing around the stage is the moment during the accident when a wheel becomes detached from the car and skips violently down the road and into a

ditch.

• James Brown’s geriatric dancing is the half-crippled driver staggering away from his vehicle fearful that it might explode.

• The spontaneous, arbitrary standing ovations are the irregular heartbeat of the severely injured on the screen of portable cardiograms at the roadside.

• Kanye West is the paramedic talking utter bollocks to a trapped driver in order to prevent him falling unconscious.

• The 30 minute period during the awards in which all the Country and Western and Jazz prizes were handed out is the half hour of inky oblivion suffered by a driver after the moment of fierce impact.

• The whole tortuous broadcast of the Grammy Awards is the firemen taking two hours to painstakingly remove a spear of metal that has impaled the abdomen of a wounded passenger.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

13/02/2005

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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