Never Mind The Buzzcocks, BBC2, Monday 7 November 2005
• Tony Livesey the editor of the Sunday Sport. He knows it’s sleaze and he knows he is a figure of fun but he plays his part so well. And is also a very funny guy.
• Mark Lamarr’s introduction of comedienne Jo Caulfield. “Jo went to a convent school like Victoria Beckham. But whereas Jo is a huge comedy star, Victoria hasn’t broken her vow of talentlessness.”
• Tony Livesey on the two bearded ones from ZZ Top. “When the hits dried up they chained themselves to a radiator and became a Terry Waite tribute band.”
• Regular captains Phill Jupitus and Bill Bailey bounce off each other well and both respect each others comic timing and talent.
• Mark Lamarr’s prizes of money-off coupons from newspapers for anybody getting any particularly hard question correct. “Bill, get this right and its 40 pence off a razor.”
• We always enjoy the introductions round. This week’s was particularly funny as Tony Livesey didn’t have a clue so it turned into a game of charades to help him guess the answers.
• Great to see certain clips of classic songs. We enjoyed seeing Beats International and Dub Be Good To Me again.
• Hip hop ‘star’ Blak Twang (he didn’t want to be there and was so out of his death) failing to identify the next line from one of his own songs.
• The very funny ending featuring a collection of punchlines Mark didn’t have time to use eg “You could tell it was Jonathan King by the smirk in the ski mask”
• Mark Lamarr sometimes tries too hard. He can come across as desperate to be liked and show off his talent.
• Rowetta is very loud and cries out for attention at times. She was forever asking if people were ganging up on her. No, love, they just wanted you to shut up. Lamarr had a good put down for her though. “Rowetta, where have you been all my life? And when are you going back? ”
• The predictable Michael Jackson jokes. When will they end?
• Ouch, a clip of Andy Cameron singing We’re On The March We’re Ally’s Army, the song that prefaced Scotland’s lousy performance in the 1978 World Cup finals.
Never Mind The Buzzcocks BBC2, Monday 14 November 2005
• Great to see one half of Chas and Dave on the show. In this case, Chas. Surprised to see he didnt Rabbit on too much ( sorry )
• Mark Lamarr’s constant swiping at Jimmy Carr never fails to raise a smile.
• Former Blue Peter star Yvette Fielding saying “shit”. A word she wouldnt have dreamt of saying 20 years ago.
• We like Lucy Porter. Nice to look at and a funny lady, too. Her Michael Hutchence gag even shocked Lamarr.
• The round that showed that both AC/DC and Rick Astley’s music was used to drive former dictator Manuel Noriega out of his hiding place.
• Phill Jupitus likening Most Haunted to a bad episode of Scooby Doo. And Mark Lamarr’s ouija board moments.
• Mark Lamarr is so two faced. You see him so nice to a guest one week and the next he will slag them off behind their back.
• Yvette Fielding’s raucous OTT and ear shattering cackling. If she ain’t screaming she is cackling. Very annoying.
• Daniel Powter played the part of the “one who sits on the end and says nowt ” very well. Apparently he suffers from terrible stage fright.
• We have noticed how lately the show is trying to disassociate itself from popular music and just stick to what it perceives as cool. This is apparent with the clips round and also the intros.
Never Mind The Buzzcocks, BBC2, Monday 21 November 2005
• Mark Lamarr on Liza Minelli – “The ideal St Bernard for homosexuals. Bulbous, bloated, bug-eyed, Botox bumface.”
• Mark Lamarr on Franz Ferdinand – “Looking like when a Scottish mother dresses her 13 year old for a court appearance on an arson charge and then cuts his hair in the style of her favourite librarian.”
• Bill Bailey complaining he’d been moved to a new dressing room and being told by Mark: “The hay was stinking in the other one.”
• Rich Hall insisting Word Up was When Doves Cry
• Brindsley Forde’s reggae-style versions of Pulp and Kaiser Chiefs songs
– Mark Lamarr – “Larry Blackman of Cameo used to wear a codpiece which, if you don’t know, is a garish piece of cheap plastic that nestles your genitals. If you’re listening Peter Andre, you don’t marry it!”
• For once, someone on the Identity Parade round wasn’t still trying to make an unnecessary comeback. Well done to Dave Mount of Mud! (The guy from the Lambrettas is still trying, though)
• Dave Berry and Myleene Klass trying so hard to be witty, but failing
Never Mind The Buzzcocks, BBC2, Monday 28 November 2005
• Mark Lamarr – “Gareth Gates, coming to a British Gas call centre near you – the pop equivalent of aquarium gravel.”
• Bill Bailey’s eagle-eyed observations on the Gareth Gates video, spotting that he was being urinated on from above through a colander and he was dancing with a woman whose arm had been amputated from the elbow.
• Mark Lamarr – “Jordan said Gareth Gates was very inexperienced and didn’t know where to put his hands. If anyone is in that position again: round her throat and squeeze til her eyes pop.”
• Mark Lamarr singing the One Foot In The Grave theme song as he mentioned the Rolling Stones
• Mark Lamarr claiming that Cutting Crew rejected other titles before coming up with I Just Died In Your Eyes Tonight, a song about the post-coital feeling. The rejects were: “I’m done, bacon sandwich please”, “Now just finish yourself off” and “Do you take Switch?”
• The rubbish guests: Claudia Winkelman (dull despite her Keith Richards/Animal Hospital fantasy), Richard Park (Mark exposed the uselessness of his one joke), Katrina of Waves fame (made one joke – an insensitive one about stammering) and Hard-Fi’s Rich Archer (largely anonymous but he can be forgiven because he’s got sensational eyes)
Never Mind The Buzzcocks, BBC2, Monday 5 December 2005
• Mark Lamarr’s descriptions of N Sync’s Lance Bass “A face that only a fist could love” and John Denver “Cleaner than Marie Osmond’s tampon.”
• Nihal’s Cockney chatter delivered as “colonial revenge”. “What did I do?” asked a bewildered Mark. “I’ve never even been to India. It looks stinky.”
• Mark – “For years I’ve been campaigning for a British space programme for pop stars. It basically involves sticking a rocket up Elton John’s arse. I like to think of it as one small step for man… and a good laugh.”
• Tony Blackburn approaching the intros round in the style of a corny DJ talking up to the vocal.
• Tony Blackburn doing the Harlem Shuffle. “Are you selling hip replacements?” asked Mark. “I’m hoping for a guest replacement.”
• The singalong to the theme of I Dream Of Jeannie after getting it wrong at first and doing Bewitched instead
• Mark revealing “Ed from the Chemical Brothers was recently asked to do a remix for Charlotte Church. It was one of her favourite cocktails, A Fast Uncomfortable Screw On A Beercrate.” He then made one, using Bacardi Breezer, egg nog, leeks, a lubricant (Utterly Butterly) and just a hint of morning-after pill.
• Kathryn Williams being a little surreal about nipple shine, flies, lights and her pregnancy (“You know you wanna rub it”).
• The jokes about amputee comedian Adam Hills’ lack of a bit of leg.
Never Mind The Buzzcocks, BBC2, Monday 12 November 2005
• Bill Bailey salivating over Bernard Matthews Rohypnol Drummers after the chit-chat about Lional Blair’s insemination of turkeys when he was on Five’s The Farm
• Steve Mason’s comeback after being ridIicued for having milk on his rider. “But we do inject it.”
• Mark Lamarr dancing to When I Fall In Love with Lionel. “A very special moment and one that I will be playing back to the police at some point in the future.”
• Nate James – we like his smile (and his music)
• The grumpy old man who featured in both identity parade rounds, featuring the Eric Prydz-Call On Me video and the goose from Travis’s Writing To Reach You video
• The news that Dianne Berry, the girl from the Eric Prydz-Call On Me video, is “about to launch a pop career.”
• Lionel Blair dancing for Bill Bailey’s small change
• Liz Bonnin. Pointless.
• The faked DJ Otzi version of candle In The Win
Never Mind The Buzzcocks, BBC2, Tuesday 20 December 2005
• Kate Garroway admitted she liked Boyzone (“They’re Irish, they’re lovely and they’re nice to their mothers.”) To which Mark Lamarr replied: “I suspect there are members of the IRA or UDA who are Irish and lovely and nice to their mums. ‘I’m just going out on a killing spree’. It’s alright. They’ve given their guns in now. I can say what I like.”
• Phill Jupitus impersonating a cymbal-clanging monkey toy. “Imagine how many batteries that would take,” remarked Mark.
• Bill Bailey’s didgeridoo technique. He was also quite good with the spoons. But he was lousy with castanets, bagpipes, a triangle and a sitar.
* The tribute to those we wish we’d lost: James Blunt, Chris Evans, Sharon Osbourne, Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh, Kelly Osbourne, Robson & Jerome, Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
• Sheila Ferguson being forced to be quiet when she appeared in the Identity Parade, alongside a pantomime horse (the head was Celine Dion, the arse was one of the Sugababes, we were told)
• General Levy and Mistress doing jungle and death metal versions of Christmas songs.
• David Grant’s excessive laughs.
• The poor contribution by Tony Christie.
• Aled Jones showing off.
Never Mind The Buzzcocks, BBC2, Saturday 31 December 2005
Did we like it?
Yes. And we’re going to miss Mark ‘boyband and bimbo-bating, Carr, Kietly and Kaplinsky-hating, coruscating, sexy enough for fellating’ Lamarr when he goes on a year-long break from the show
What was good about it?
• Clips of The Who’s exploding drumkit and Tony Orlando (of & Dawn fame) spotting a Ziggyed-up David Bowie in the audience while he was singing Tie Another Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree.
• Ben Adams – the cutest, most articulate, entertaining man in pop. He speaks very nicely, too.
• Comic Alan Cochrane looks like one to watch
• The X Factor rejects being rolled out for the Next Lines round
• The return of the legendary Athelston in the Identity Parade round
What was bad about it?
• Toyah Wilcox showing off; Annie Mac being as boring as a Big Mac