Nip/Tuck Series 2, Sky One

by | Apr 3, 2005 | All, Reviews

1 – Sean worrying about being 40 (hairline’s up, bottom’s down) but refusing to use Botox

2 – Gina insisting that Christian suck out her mother’s milk so that she doesn’t leak on to her lovely silk blouse

3 – The amazing storyline about the fag hag whose face was blown apart in a suicide pact gone wrong – and her bitterness when her best friend found a lover. We heard a gunshot, but did she shoot him – or did she kill herself?

4 – Christian interviewing Miss Appleton, girl who has applied for the nanny’s job, while shagging her. But later he sacked her for giving baby Wilbur cough medicine to knock him out. She was angry about that. “If you wanted a real nanny, you could have hired one who didn’t deep throat daddy during the job interview.”

5 – Vanessa Redgrave as Julia’s demanding mother Erica, who insisted son-in-law Sean give her a facelift – and also became another of Christian’s shagging conquests. When talking about the liaison to anaesthesiologist Liz, he said: “I needed to feel more May to December for once.” Her reply: “More like August to October.”

6 – Christian picking up a girl’s mobile in a nightclub and programming in his number. But then being turned down. “So you’re a bitter lipstick lesbian,” he spat. “Actually, I love dick,” she replied. “I just don’t like 40-year-old dick. I’ve got a daddy and I don’t need another one.”

7 – The sweet bit at the end when Christian’s birthday wish was: “Please let me be a good father.”

Nip/Tuck

1 – Nurse Liz’s nice line in sarcasm as Christian and Sean carry out thigh liposuction on a teenager hoping to win a university cheerleading scholarship (yes, they have such things in America). “We should offer lipo to newborns. Get those chubby ten pounders to start right,” she said. “Good job, gents. Our patient doesn’t look a day over 13.”

2 – The Princess Mensies tea party (with juice and gluten-free cookies) held by Susan ‘I look 10 years younger’ Epstein to mark the early puberty of Sean and Julia’s eight-year-old daughter Annie.

3 – Mrs Grubman insisting on her 10th surgical procedure in six months – a knee job. “They sag like a couch in a crap den. I’m not gonna give up wearing miniskirts. Not now, not this season.”

4 – Christian’s custody battle with Gina over Wilbur, aided by the boy’s biological father James who sided with the surgeon after discovering Gina had 292 sexual partners in three years (but surely sex machine Christian has had many more). But then the tables turned and James decided he wanted Wilbur for himself.

5 – Kimber’s coke binge in the restaurant toilet, the loss of her septum (very Danniella) and her bragging that she had become an actress (later she’s being shagged by a big black man with cameras running)

Nip/Tuck

1 – Christian and Sean’s successful work on Manya Mabika, the Somalian who had her clitoris cut off with a sharp piece of glass. “I want an orgasm,” she pleaded. So Christian was only to happy to volunteer. “I am a god damn genius when it comes to pussy. If I build it, she will come.”

2 – Sean spotting wife Julia pleasuring herself after faking an orgasm with him. “I was just helping myself to seconds,” she lied. But Christian gave Sean some cunnilingus tips: do the alphabet with the tongue. Later, Sean is working away, popping his head up occasionally to see if he’s having any effect. “I don’t care how long it takes.”

3 – Christian being a really good daddy to wobbly Wilber but falling out with Gina when he refused to father another child with her. She resorted to being gangbanged instead, spitting at Christian: “I could find better spunk off a urinal in a strip joint.”

4 – Lovely life coach Ava Moore (Famke Janssen) advising Julia to get rid of her mother – “she’s a vampire” – resulting in a brilliant showdown in which the old bag (played by Vanessa Redgrave) stabbed and apple and was sent packing.

5 – The operation on the baby smooth man with no live hair follicles.

Nip/Tuck

1 – Christian sustaining a broken nose during sex due to his partner’s allergy to the down in his pillows. Eh? Well, you see, she was sitting on his face when she had an almighty sneeze and, we’re guessing here, muscles contracted and snap.

2 – Christian’s DIY nose job operation. A chisel. A hammer. Blood. Pain. Marvellous.

3 – Christian stripping off in front of the female doctor, demanding she check his body for moles and hoping his naked form would turn her on. And his angry reaction when she resisted his charms and told him he’d got love handles.

4 – The gorefest when Sean lanced the boil on Mr Unger’s neck

5 – Matt doing the right thing – ie lying – when asked if he’d been involved in the hit and run that injured Cara.

6 – Sean’s car park rage in which he rammed out of the way a car that was blocking his exit.

7 – Christian demanding adoration throughout sex. “Tell me how much you love my rock hard arse.”

Nip/Tuck

1 – The heavy stuff about science v religion

2 – The heavy stuff surrounding the termination of Liz’s baby because it might have Down’s syndrome

3 – The heavy stuff following Julia’s revelation to Sean that Christian is the father of Matt

4 – This week’s star patient – Agatha Ripp, a homeless prostitute with Stigmata-like wounds (inflicted by Sister Rita in a bid to attract crowds to her church which was due for closure due to poor attendance)

5 – The operation on the baby with a Devil’s tail (aka a cordial appendage) while the Rolling Stones’ Sympathy For The Devil was on the soundtrack

Nip/Tuck

1 – Sean’s selfless decision to give free surgery to Naomi Gates, the latest victim of The Carver (motto: “Beauty is a curse on the world”) and Christian’s decision to exploit Sean’s gesture by getting the local TV station to cover the story

2 – Christian’s seduction of consumer news reporter Andrea (he gave her four orgasms in one night) – and rather nasty observation that she can’t afford to smear the cosmetic surgery industry if she wants to remain as a TV star.

3 – Sean losing his temper with disgruntled patient Bonnie who blames her dimpled post-liposuction stomach for her failure to get a job as a personal shopper – “You never got the job because no-one wants to employ a 55-year-old housewife who’s suffering from empty nest syndrome.”

4 – Matt being shagged senseless by life coach Ava (old enough to be his mother).

5 – Matt being snogged by Ava’s son Adrian (young enough to be his brother). “I’m not gay,” he shouted in shock. “Neither am I,” claimed Adrian. “Kissing another guy is gay,” Matt pointed out.

6 – Julia’s fight with Ava when Adrian (no hard feelings) reveals she’s been sleeping with Matt (“When I told you and Matt to keep it down while you were humping the other night, you ignored me.”), resulting in the revelation that Christian is Matt’s daddy spilling out.

7 – Duran Duran’s Skin Trade on the soundtrack

Nip/Tuck

1 – The patient, dubbed Pussylips by Christian, who had her vaginal labia transplanted on to her damaged mouth so that her cunnilingus-hating Sicilian husband would, for the first time, kiss her there.

2 – Matt being seduced by life coach Ava, but then being caught by the cops while masturbating outside her home as she got undressed.

3 – Christian baling Matt out of jail – and then being very parental. “Keep that up and you’ll find out what it’s like to be anally probed by a lifer who wants to make you his bitch.”

4 – Dissatisfied liposuction patient Bonnie humiliating Sean in a posh restaurant and showing off her bruised stomach

5 – Christian donating his sperm to lesbian Liz

6 – The soundtrack that included Milkshake and Volaré.

Nip/Tuck

1 – Sean’s car accident while on his mobile phone. Let that be a lesson to all you people who insist on chatting away when you should be watching the road/eating your lunch/changing the radio station to avoid Dido.

2 – Matt’s eyebrows. Wow.

3 – Sean’s temp job examining the cadavers used as crash test dummies “after we mash them.”

4 – Christian’s decision to fight for the custody of Wilbur. Pity that he lost. He’s a bastard but we can’t help liking him.

5 – The week’s top gruesome moment – the treatment given to the mountaineer whose nose and cheeks had been eaten away by frostbite

6 – Sean trying to prove that he’s no coward by eating poisonous blowfish and going on a shark diving trip. Christian was unimpressed – “If you wanna live dangerously, start slowly. Wear some flat front pants.”

7 – Sean telling daughter Annie that her pet Frisky was pregnant – even though he knew it was a massive tumour

Nip/Tuck

1 – The sex doll of Christian’s ex Kimber. She claimed the high-grade silicon made it feel like flesh, the joints were flexible and there were three points of entry, all with vacuums to bring on intense orgasms. The only problem, she pointed out, was that the vagina was rather generic so she was willing to pay $50,000 for the “perfect Miss Kimber pussy mould.”

2 – Sean using all three points of entry on the doll (and being very embarrassed when Kimber came round to collect it.

3 – Julie acting like a whore, demanding drinks that were green, but then backing off when pick-up Roger wanted her to strap on the Black Thunder dildo and fulfil his fantasy.

4 – The author who got himself boobs so he could write a book about how it feels. We especially loved Johnny Cash’s A Boy Named Sue being used as the soundtrack of the operation; and Liz’s persuasion to get Sean and Christian to do the op. “Seventy per cent of your work is breast enhancements. It’s as easy for you as slicing a bagel.”

5 – Sean and Christian playing catch with fake boobs.

Nip/Tuck

1 – The stunning close-ups of the operation performed by Christian and Sean to separate Siamese twins Rose and Raven Rosenburg

2 – The final scene – that had us close to tears – when the separated sisters were sewn back together after failing to make it through the operation

3 – Sean squabbling with Christian (“backstabbing arsehole”, “immoral traitor”) as he tried to end their partnership (worth a cool $1.4m a year each) because Christian had slept with Julia and was the father of Matt.

4 – Sean and Christian bonding again as they shared a joint – and a prostitute

5 – References to Flock Of Seagulls, Men At Work and Christian’s 10-inch dick

Nip/Tuck

1 – A palm reader tells Kimber that she and Sean are not going to make it as a couple so she has an operation to extend her love line. It doesn’t work – Sean drops her after she shags Christian again, enabling Christian to wriggle out of his frustrating relationship with blind beauty Natasha (she smells Kimber’s vaginal secretions). “I slept with Kimber because she’s fun and I don’t have to hold her hand when we cross the street,” he explained.

2 – The big fall-out when Adrian tells Julia that he’s having sex with his mother/Matt’s lover Ava. When Sean and Julia confront Ava, Adrian rubs it in a bit more. “I told them you give the best blowjob in town.”

3 – Christian’s blind girlfriend Natasha singing merrily to Captain & Tennille’s Love Can Keep Us Together (we love) on the car stereo and not realising that the 7K wheels were being stolen

4 – The big-ethics storyline involving Trudy Nye whose husband broke her nose 16 years earlier and killed their son. She wants a new look but, as soon as he’s out of jail, she gets back with him – and receives another broken nose for her naivety.

5 – Sean fails to take a shine to Julia’s new lover Kevin – a man who teaches zennis (a Zen approach to tennis). “What a crock of new age bullshit,” is Sean’s reaction. “And that tan! He’s a walking, talking melanoma if you ask me.”

Nip/Tuck

1 – Maid Miss Garcia going into a frenzy when she got to rifle through the shoes and jewellery of her well-heeled mistress.

2 – Maid Miss Garcia regretting her actions when her Botox party went wrong, thanks to the reappearance of mad Merrill Bobolit and his dodgy gear (a cheaper, longer lasting Botox that disfigured the women rather sensationally).

3 – A high-as-a-kite Merrill (he’s addicted to anesthesia) refusing to remove a woman’s chemical peel until he was good and ready

4 – Merrill and his evil boss Madame Rose chopping up J-Lo wannabe Miss Navez who died in the rudimentary operating theatre “We can get rid of her easily if she’s in pieces,” said the unfazed monster. Miss Navez earlier been refused treatment to her face, breasts, stomach and waist by Christian and Sean despite assuring them: “I can stand a lot of pain so don’t worry, you can do it all at once.”

5 – Merrill’s maddest notion yet – he thinks he can get the girls if he swaps faces with Christian, so ties his more handsome rival down and gets cutting while Supertramp’s Goodbye Stranger plays sweetly.

6 – Sociopath Adrian drawing a cartoon of the headmistress having rough sex on the toilet cubicle wall and then pissing in the soap dispenser

7 – Christian and Ava sweet-talking severe headmistress Oona, who wanted to suspend Matt and Adrian, but was talked out of it in exchange for a facelift

8 – The we-knew-that-would-happen when Ava (“a paedophile, kidnapper and overall menace to society” according to Sean) snogged her son Adrian.

Nip/Tuck

1 – Christian inspecting Ms Camden’s carcinoma on her taut bottom. “You’ll have to get someone to protect that three-times-a-week spin class arse of yours with SP50,” he advised, before shagging her senseless

2 – The return of Gina. “You’re like herpes. Every time I feel like I’m getting my life back, I have a Gina outbreak,” said a less than delighted Christian, before his ex revealed she’s HIV positive. “I knew I should have double bagged it with you,” he shouted. But Gina hit back: “You’ve never cared about any of the sluts you’ve been dumping your load into for the past two decades.”

Things didn’t improve when Christian stated: “Everything you touch gets infected by your own brand of misery.” But Gina got the last word: “We’re a match made in hell.”

3 – The spooky pierrot doll mask of The Carver whose latest victim was a reluctant male model (“I didn’t want to be a 2D image in some men’s fitness magazine.”) before he sneaked up on Sean and unleashed his beauty-is-a-curse justice on him. Luckily Sean got an expert from Atlantic City to patch him up, even though Christian would have liked to have done it himself. “It’s like having another man sleep with my wife,” he said as dishy Dr Quentin got to work.

4 – The reappearance of Wilbur, TV’s most miserable baby ever

5 – Christian’s pain when he had to tell his many sexual conquests that he may be HIV positive (he wasn’t) – contrasted with the physical pain dished out by The Carver (no relation to The Bill’s Jim, by the way)

Nip/Tuck

1 – An action replay of Julia crashing through a pane glass window, brought on by downing half a bottle of painkillers with some Pinot Grigot

2 – Julia’s freaky hallucination while under anaesthetic, culminating in a kiss with the beautiful Ava. Before that, Julia envisaged being married to Christian and indulging in threesomes with Kimber, while Sean was married to Megan O’Hara and Matt was their nerdy son.

3 – Christian’s suggestion to Julia before she underwent surgery for her slashed up face: “Want us to smooth out the lines while we’re repairing the road?”

4 – Liz cautions Julia against such a move. “Wrinkles remind the soul where it’s been.”

5 – The soundtrack featuring The GoGos’ My Lips Are Sealed, two songs by Carly Simon and The Rolling Stones’ You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Nip/Tuck

1 – Christian falling for Natasha Charles, the beautiful blind woman who wanted new eyes so she could become a 10. She also impressed the surgeons by sniffing out Sean’s Old Spice and Christian’s $180 scent (“You’re hard enough to resist as it is without adding any more pheromones to the mix.”)

2 – Christian screwing up Natasha’s blind date by telling her blind blind date that she was 15 years older than she’d claimed

3 – Sean showing off new girlfriend Kimber at a school event. “Every guy in this room is looking at her tits and wishing they were me,” he told estranged wife Julia.

4 – Julia’s misguided attempt to win Sean back by having a boob job. “You’ve got micromastia – small breastedness,” the surgeon told her. “I always thought they were average,” said a downhearted Julia.

5 – Vanessa Redgrave returning as Julia’s mother Erica – and showing little sympathy. “You look like a crack whore, sweetheart.”

6 – The use of Natasha by the brilliant Rufus Wainwright on the soundtrack

7 – The beautiful filming of Julia drunkenly crashing through a plate glass window

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

03/04/2005

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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