1 – Beth’s scheme to get rich quick by winning the heart of Enzo, the son of a wealthy patient, is thwarted by Sean asking her to steal drugs for him. And when she is caught red-handed by Jamie, it’s up to Lia to save her skin. Meanwhile, Anji is having her heart broken by conniving Callum who claims he loves her and Daisy, but can’t decide between them.
Beth Started off shallow, grabbing the red high heels she coveted from a woman who was planning buy the shop’s last pair who had collapsed in a diabetic coma.
Then she got even shallower, making a move on Joe the Bolly Bolshevik because of his sick mum’s vast wealth (all she got from the relationship was a lousy Ché Guevara T-shirt and her conscious pricked). But Beth also showed compassionate depths as she risked her job and struggled to help Diazepam-doing Sean.
Kate Indulged in a wonderful battle with ward sister Clare (who puts on funny voices when she’s nervous eg “Dem’s de rules.”). They fought, they made up by baking a Sorry cake but then they fell out again when Kate had to resort to blackmail to stop Clare from revealing Beth had been stealing drugs.
Anji Started off being shagged by a doctor in the storeroom where she suddenly realised a CCTV camera had been installed (“Where we gonna go for a shag now?). Then she had to battle for the heart of newly confident Callum against physio Daisy. She made a tactical error by claiming “I’m like spaghetti” and competing with Daisy in a doing-the-splits contest at the disco (while the wonderful Feels Like I’m In Love by Kelly Marie was playing). And just as she’s won the battle, Callum caught her shagging again and it seems the relationship that has taken so long to come about is now in the resuscitation room.
Lia Took a backseat in this episode, providing the odd frown as her mates misbehaved.
We loved all the 1960s soul music
We hated the messy enema joke
2 – After Lia composes an impressive story about the birth of daughter Emma, she decides to quit as a nurse to become a writer, but Emma is distraught and tries to convince her mother to stop running away. Meanwhile, Beth tends to an oddball who crucified himself and starts to view her as Mary Magdalene to his Jesus.
Lia The star of the episode in a Where The Heart Is-style plot. She freaked out when a man who’d been Nil By Mouth for two days threw up the Easter Eggs he’d wolfed down. But avenues to happiness opened up when she entered the Words On Wards writing competition (after initial doubts: “You want us to cleran up sh*t and then write poetry about it?”) and she tried to achieve peace between dying Mr Rahman and his estranged daughter. But it all went horribly wrong, got terribly poignant and led to some heartrending moments.
Beth She was really happy when a nutter who’d nailed himself to a cross for Easter mistook her for the Virgin Mary. Until she found out that he’d in fact mistaken her for Mary Magdalene, which she discovered when he orgasmed (“You little WHORE!!!”) while she washed his feet.
Kate Kept up her war on ward sister Claire who called her an “evil motherf**ker” and presented her with a sh*t-covered egg while the other girls got eggs in natty little costumes.
Anji Was devasted when health and safety busybody Adele confiscated the toaster. But she came up with a solution, buying a juicer, beomcing a healthy eating junkie and “treating” her colleagues to concoctions such as coriander, pumpkin and edlerflower In the end, the other nurses had to bribe Adele to confiscate the juicer and let them have the toaster back.
We loved Good Times by Chic and Shame by Evelyn ‘Champagne’ King at the disco
We loved Claire’s Simnel cake with “11 marzipan balls to represent the apostles. Judas doesn’t get one, of course, because liars and cheats don’t.”
We loved Anji’s advice to Lia when she wanted to quit. “A mate from oncology packed it all in to become an air hostess. Went mental with boredom. ‘Chicken or beef?’ ‘Chicken or beef?’ ‘Chicken or beef?’ Ended up in a crackhouse selling blowjobs for rocks.”
3– A despondent Anji convinces her pals to go speed dating with her. She hits it off with Alex, but then he fails to call. Beth also pulled, but her catch Nigel is soon dumped after she finds out about his daughter. Dr McManus is on the warpath after an outbreak of MRSA – Kate is appointed to control the infection and she suspects Claire could be responsible. Lia and Jamie attempt to work together to ease the enmity between the doctors and nurses, but only end up opening old wounds.
Anji “I’m not into shagging around any more. It’s got to be love,” she declared at the top of the episode. “I want a man with a caffatiere.” (Not that she knew what a caffatiere was) Before long, though, she was pulling businessman Alex at a speed-dating event and then getting shagged by the hospital porters who were delighted with her ability to pass on messages via her pelvic squeezes.
Kate Relished her role in the battle against MRSA in the ward. Thanks to some Marpleish detective work, she found the cause – Dr McManus’s dangling tie which swept from a gastric tube to some weeping eczema. Rewarded with promotion.
Beth Landed wealthy lover Nigel but was then tormented by his daughter, a brat who sang songs from Annie while dressed as an angel
Lia Battled with Jamie and got fed up at the speed dating when all the men mentioned ailments as soon as she’d revealed she was a nurse. She resorted to saying: “I’m an architect.”
We loved the scene when Kate, Lia and Beth were all peering into Anji’s vagina to see if she had caught an STD. Kate spotted a strange lump that she didn’t recognise – it was Anji’s clitoris.
We loved the scene where Anji was washing the groin of a Hell’s Angel while he looked at a picture of his favourite bike – and was shocked when he shot high into the air
We hated the sacking of the awful sister Claire. We loved to hate her and her fussy ways.
4 – Kate dates good-looking patient Robert Miller (Richard Mylan) but then decides she doesn’t like sick people. Beth tries to bring unctuous Jamie down a peg or two. Lia has to look after Emma’s school rabbit, and Anji volunteers to help a psychology student who becomes convinced she’s on the verge of a mental breakdown.
Kate The gang sneered at her for reporting a faulty, generous cash machine. “When it comes to doing things by the book,” Lia points out, “You’ve got every chapter memorised.” Kate then decides to break the rules, including the big one – not sleeping with a patient (considered “so wrong” and “really sad” by her colleagues). The lucky man is handsome asthmatic Richard. She fiddles his chart so they can go on a date, but Richard has an attack while shagging, and Kate has a run-in with his bossy mother.
Anji Earnest student Leonard is doing a thesis on The Modern-Day Nurse and Their Emotional Response to the Workplace. Anji willingly answers his 200-question survey (it’s like the ones in Take A Break that she loves), which reveals she’s really happy. Leonard is convinced she is repressing her true feelings – “I think you’re in the danger zone” – and is shattered when she points out his study may be a complete waste of time.
Beth Spent the episode deriding ambitious Jamie (“it’s all croutons and rocket salad with you now”) for sucking up to a golf club bigwig who was on the ward.
Lia Was given the task of looking after the rabbit from daughter Emma’s school. “It’s not just a rabbit; it’s a symbol of my parenting skills,” she fretted, with Beth kindly pointing out: “Your symbol’s just crapped itself.” The rabbit survived a near drowning in the bath – but was electrocuted while displaying some good taste, gnawing through the TV power cable while Graham Norton was on the box.
5 – The local Trust starts a search for the “face” of Yorkshire nursing that excites all the girls, except a dismissive Beth. All that changes though when she is chosen to be the “face”. Meanwhile, Anji is distraught when her flatmates get cable TV installed as she fears this will lessen their drinking hours.
Beth. Started out by trying to spook student nurse Simone (by getting a porter to pretend to be a dead body in the morgue). Simone refused to be freaked out; sucking off Dr Jamie later on was a far more unpleasant experience for her. Beth then took Simone under her wing, giving her a makeover and confidence. It wasn’t the only abrupt change undertaken by Beth this week. She derided the plan to pick someone from the ward to be the face of Yorkshire nursing in a recruitment TV ad (“Everyone smiling and saying how fulfilled they are by wiping rancid old ladies’ fannies”) but when she was picked for the role, she was delighted. Beth, of course, blew her chances of stardom by brawling with Jamie and being replaced by that stroppy Scottish nurse. Claimed to be “the best cocksucker in Leeds except for maybe Anji.”
Anji Like Beth, underwent a massive change of heart. When cable TV was installed, she insisted: “We can’t sit on front of the telly like someone’s nan.” But soon she became the remote meister (even removing the batteries when she went to the loo) and becoming addicting to those medical marvel documentaries (her favourites included More Medical Nightmares, Crocodiles Ate My Face, Cases They Couldn’t Crack, Too Late To Amputate)
Kate Got a bit stroppy with Beth, threatening her with the ultimate punishment – a transfer to geriatric rehabilitation.
Lia Went on a work-to-rule when Callum called her “just a nurse”. Stood her ground and won the war.
6 – Jamie is so desperate to become registrar that he gets Lia to pretend to be his fiancée at the annual hospital ball. But while she’s there, she pulls Marcus (James Thornton), a medical sales rep. When Kate becomes a patient in her own ward, Anji is a little uncomfortable about having to nurse her but she’s very helpful to new A&E nurse Terry (Matthew Barker) who suffers from premature ejaculation..
Lia Jamie needed an escort for the annual ball to improve his promotion prospects by showing he was in a stable relationship. “So take a horse,” suggested Lia. But when he agreed to buy her a dress (a shiny black number from Harvey Nicks) and catch up on the filing, she agreed to pose as his fiancée. However, Lia didn’t give him an easy time, telling the nobs he was out to impress that “he’s been letting things slip in the bedroom department” and insisting that he tells them the “proposal story”.
While shaking off Jamie, Lia broke her four-year duck without sex by landing sales rep Marcus – but their fledgling relationship got too complicated and it seems she’s back to square one.
We discovered her musical tastes embrace Neneh Cherry, Betty Boo and Yazz.
Anji The ever helpful Anji came to the rescue of harassed new A&E nurse Terry (“Do you like Jane Austen?” he asked. “No, I prefer Steve.”) and then discovered why he’s nicknamed Billy (The Kid – the fastest shot in the west). “I was put on this Earth to help shy young men reach their potential,” she said. “Mother Theresa crossed with Jordan.” So she patiently got to work on making his ejaculation a little less premature. The hardest job she’s had on her hands for a while.
Kate Acted like an angel as ever, buying new trousers to replace the ones that drunken old Mr Strachan had soiled. For her troubles, she missed out on the ball and contracted gastroenteritis, ending up as a patient in her own ward.
Beth Flirted outrageously at the annual ball. Dubbed Anji’s new lover Spunk Boy. Succeeded in getting Kate into a private room by threatening to expose a Chinese TB patient as an illegal immigrant (well, her heart was in the right place).
7 – Anji’s cousin Sujata (Natalia Keery-Fisher) has had a huge row with her parents and needs somewhere to stay; Kate wins a place on a medical nurse practitioner course; new registrar Dr Tim Benson (Paul McEwan) behaves very strangely on a dinner date with Beth; and Jamie asks Lia to pose as his fiancée at another function, which provides Lia’s daughter Emma with the opportunity to arrange Marcus as her babysitter.
Kate Got a bit boring about winning a place on a medical nurse practitioner course but surprisingly allowed some rule breaking by allowing prostitute Patsy For Pleasure to operate on the wards. “I make ’em feel a damn sight better than you do with all your pills and that,” Patsy told her. “A quick wank or a blowjob and they’re happy.” Patsy had to be sent packing though when Mr Johnson died during the night after receiving her personal services.
Anji Was delighted that her cousin Sujata came to her for help; and when patient Caroline turned to her for comfort. She was less happy when told to clean up pee (“Ooh ambassador, you’re really spoiling us”) and had a big outburst when her pals dismissed arranged marriages. “You’re still desperate, you’re a slapper and you’re an uptight ballbreaker who hasn’t smile since we went decimal,” she stormed (you can guess who was who among those insults).
Provided Sujata with an interesting meal: ravioli on toast with a Dairylea triangle on the side.
Beth Simply because “I get first dibs on the doctors round here” she usurped “bandy-legged bitch” Cherie in the battle to win a dinner date with locum Tim. But he turned out to be a pea-counting lunatic and was later exposed as a fraud when he freaked out while trying to find a fat man’s rib.
Lia Daughter Emma approves of her relationship with Marcus, so maybe Lia will be smiling a bit more from now on. Squeezed in one of her anti-doctor digs when Tim was exposed. “He was arrogant, rude and didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. No wonder we thought he was a bloody doctor.”
8 – When Jamie receives his promotion to registrar, Kate celebrates with him, leading her on an odyssey that takes in a drunken meeting with Dr Templar and a consequent trip to Alcoholics Anonymous. Beth befriends new nurse Justyn (Tom Ellis) and eventually agrees to go for a drink with him, at which point her mates tell her he’s gay. Meanwhile, Callum fears Anji is being stalked by Mr Lewins, and Lia realises that she’s not in love with Marcus, but he is with her.
Character casenotes (episode eight)
Lia She no longer had to pretend she was Jamie’s girlfriend after he slimed his way to the rank of registrar (Dr McManus: “”Let’s hope the obsequious brown-nosing will stop and he will get back to being the lazy, cocky twatface we all hate”). So Lia could concentrate on her relationship with Marcus, taking him to a barbecue at her ex-husband’s house (near Elland Road football stadium). But there was a snag: she realised she doesn’t love Marcus. He took it badly, accusing her of being a “pain snail” and she realised she doesn’t like lovey dovey men; she likes the bastards. Like Jamie. Cue a snogging scene between the pair. Aww.
Kate Started off knocking back leftover fizzy wine from Jamie’s promotion do and having such a bad hangover that she walked into work praying there’d be no plane crash or earthquakes. There wasn’t. But when a high-pressure cement mixer exploded outside M&S, the ward was inundated with cement-spattered patients looking like Dawn Of The Dead.
She was eventually convinced to go to the “informal space” that is Yorkshire Hospitals Alcoholics Anonymous. Initially, she was in denial. “I drink sure, but who doesn’t? Apart from you lot, obviously.” But when given the chance to talk, she opened up. Big time. “My name’s Kate. I’m a complete f**king binge drinking, pint soaking alco-f**king-holic.”
Beth “Beth doesn’t date nurses, Beth never will date nurses and even if she did, she wouldn’t date you,” she told temporary nurse Justin. Everyone else knew he was gay. “You’ve go sh*t gaydar,” Anji told her. That made Justyn seem more appealing, so she went with him to a gay club (dancing to it’s Raining Men) and they even shagged. “Only you could turn your gay best friend on the first date,” Anji told her. “You must give out a signal that deactivates gayness.” But then Beth found out that he was a mere bisexual and she felt she’d been conned. “It cheapens the whole thing,” she complained.
Anji She thought old Albert was a stalker. Turned out he was the bereaved husband of a woman she’d cared for, leading to tender moments over the old man’s photo album.