David Beckham’s Soccer USA, Five

by | Jul 25, 2007 | All, Reviews

Did we like it?

Tim Lovejoy and his Soccer AM mercenaries have made this magazine show as good as it can possibly get, but, much like if gravity vanished from the Universe, without the titular ex-Manchester United winger, it would disintegrate into disparate atoms.

What was good about it?

• Tim Lovejoy has honed his talents to present lightweight but entertaining shows after more than a decade on Soccer AM and, although this feels like a relegation, he is the best thing about it.

• It’s rather like watching an extended feature from Soccer AM, in which the two spoof US football commentators on Boston Goals are replaced by real commentators with no cognizance of their absurd vernacular. Thankfully, Lovejoy and his ‘crew’ are, and they lightly mock hyperventilated remarks such as “upper 90 from about 30 yards, that was a smoker”.

• To get what would normally be an apathetic audience involved, Lovejoy, Sheephead and the rest have plumped for a MLS team to urge viewers to do the same.

What was bad about it?

• Obviously keen to ingratiate himself with his new audience, David Beckham has schooled himself in the worst candy-soaked atrocities of American English. “Abel played a good game,” he observed with his whitewashed teeth as if preparing them to be etched with the red and blue of the Star Spangled Banner next week for a fee approaching $200,000 dollars the results of which could then be fawned and pored over by slobbering tabloid celebrity rags eager to lick up any perspiration the Beckham brand may sweat out.

• This of course alienates him from British football supporters who savour drowning in the delusion that football is sport and soccer is product reliant on consumers smoothly swallowing a plastic brand which would choke their lager-scarred throats. A similar delusion exists about Maroon 5 and Westlife.

• More coverage of the sub-standard MLS is broadcast in the UK than that of the league that is home to both the European champions and the world champions. This is nauseating in that it shows that football is not even immune to the pestilence of celebrity’s parasitical influence seen already in innumerable TV shows and music.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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