How To Be A Property Developer, Five

by | Aug 9, 2007 | All, Reviews

TV developer Rasputin Beatbox casts his expert eye over Five’s latest offering that seeks to create more people with a gluttonous desire for money in the hope of selling it on to ITV at a healthy profit.

Presenter Gary McCausland:

The first thing you notice is the lank dark hair. The dark hair may be hiding patches of intellectual dampness that would need to be sorted out before any kind of sale could proceed.

If you’re looking to create a grotesque mock Simon Cowell mansion of verbal grandiosity then Gary’s bland brand of ‘brutal honesty’ will help sell the property to a commercial channel desperate for shock-value publicity.

Gary’s Northern Irish accent adds some quaint character but really his tongue will need to be pulled out and a whole new tongue attached – but one that has the Kirstie Allsopp accent, as that is a proven winner in this market. And while you’re at it, you may as well gut the mouth of all teeth and install a gleaming new set of gnashers straight from America to impress any overseas buyers.

On a closer inspection of his speech, it’s obvious he’s suffering from perhaps a terminal infestation of clichés. “It’s time for a reality check,” he crows. “They’re trying to take the property world by storm,” he observes.

Viewers may be interested to learn that because of the absence of a heart, there is plenty of scope for renovation in the chest area where the installation of something characteristically soulless such as decking and some plastic chairs would offset beautifully the ambience of warm despair emanating from every pore of his skin.

Contestants Dan Abbot and Daniel Earle:

From the moment they were introduced driving along in an open top car, it was evident that there would be plenty of cranial room for any developers to play with. Each of their brains only takes up a small part of the skull so if you’re looking to sell to ITV you’ll be able to add the endless echoes of the shrieking harridans from Loose Women – this always adds value.

Available as a pair, it’s possible to split them up into two separate apartments and develop them individually. And individuality is what ‘Dan and Daniel’ are all about. Dan has an unkempt crop of chest hair that offers potential buyers the chance to cultivate a harem of lice should they wish to infest it as such.

Contestants Paula and Lindsey:

Paula is fond of using outdated phrases such as “Failure isn’t an option here. It’s just not”. That’s really quaint but the business of selling organic abominations who clutter up vacuous TV programmes really need more selling points than that. To make her a valuable commodity she needs to be updated and modernised, possibly through making her talk solely in text message speak as this would make her more amenable to families with teenagers who could then be left to watch the TV listening to the senseless babble.

Lindsey’s lipstick resembled that ring of dirt often seen around baths in dilapidated properties and as such, until she learns how to apply her make-up properly there’s no way any TV channel will be interested in buying.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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