What to say if you liked it
It”s Emmerdale Farm meets Celebrity Big Brother.
What to say if you disliked it
What was good about it?
• Ed Hall is the presenter and we rate him so, so highly. Best lines: “It’s rare you’ll get a shot where you won’t hear Margi talking.” “This is farmageddon.”
• Stan Collymore is quite a hunk and better at putting pigs into a pen than balls in the back of the net
• Richie Neville from 5ive was wearing a cool punk T-shirt and he said “bagsied”. We love that word.
• Farmer Ryan Hooper doesn’t seem at all like those bloodthirsty tossers who invaded London recently
• Jeff Brazier being so contrite after being ticked off for feeding croissants to the ducks
• Rita – our favourite TV cow since Ermintrude in The Magic Roundabout
The kittens – awww
• Paul Daniels. We reckon he may come out of this seeming like a decent bloke. (Don’t hold us to that, please)
• Margi Clarke’s mad non-stop chatter
What was bad about it?
• Debbie McGee’s mindless non-stop chatter
• Rebecca Loos (saddest wannabe ever) and Lady Victoria Hervey (“I’ll be bringing a bit of glamour to the farm”).
• We’ve been promised sheep dagging (removing the crap from around their bottoms) and calf castration, which doesn’t exactly get the pulse racing
• The shot of Clint the boar’s massive bollocks.
• Everyone’s too sensible and getting along too well. This could be one big bore for those of us who care little for cow-milking, pig-feeding and chicken-plucking.
• It won’t reach any level of excitement until the evictions begin. And even then it probably won’t.