The Farm, Five

by | Sep 26, 2004 | All, Reviews

What to say if you liked it

It”s Emmerdale Farm meets Celebrity Big Brother.

What to say if you disliked it


What was good about it?

• Ed Hall is the presenter and we rate him so, so highly. Best lines: “It’s rare you’ll get a shot where you won’t hear Margi talking.” “This is farmageddon.”

• Stan Collymore is quite a hunk and better at putting pigs into a pen than balls in the back of the net

• Richie Neville from 5ive was wearing a cool punk T-shirt and he said “bagsied”. We love that word.

• Farmer Ryan Hooper doesn’t seem at all like those bloodthirsty tossers who invaded London recently

• Jeff Brazier being so contrite after being ticked off for feeding croissants to the ducks

• Rita – our favourite TV cow since Ermintrude in The Magic Roundabout

The kittens – awww

• Paul Daniels. We reckon he may come out of this seeming like a decent bloke. (Don’t hold us to that, please)

• Margi Clarke’s mad non-stop chatter

What was bad about it?

• Debbie McGee’s mindless non-stop chatter

• Rebecca Loos (saddest wannabe ever) and Lady Victoria Hervey (“I’ll be bringing a bit of glamour to the farm”).

• We’ve been promised sheep dagging (removing the crap from around their bottoms) and calf castration, which doesn’t exactly get the pulse racing

• The shot of Clint the boar’s massive bollocks.

• Everyone’s too sensible and getting along too well. This could be one big bore for those of us who care little for cow-milking, pig-feeding and chicken-plucking.

• It won’t reach any level of excitement until the evictions begin. And even then it probably won’t.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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