• How many comedians, with faces so pallid you couldn’t pick them out in a schoolboy’s puddle of sick, made facile repugnant jokes about Michelle McManus and her weight? Three.
• By what degree did your sympathy for McManus decline when she was defended by that besuited, bubbling mudpool of spite Dr Fox? At the same 90 degree angle as her career when the parasitical patronage of Pop Idol had taken its greedy fiscal fill.
• For how long did Ian Curtis spin in his grave when professional Joy Division fan Jeremy Vine endorsed Will Young’s Leave Right Now with the praise that it was “a beautiful song”? The same number of seconds it would take Vine to recall the lyrics to Atrocity Exhibition that was a prescient harbinger to Pop Idol and its ilk.
• In how many years did amiable Heat TV boffin Boyd Hilton reckon that Will Young would be able to cast off his Pop Idol legacy to become a George Michael-like figure? Just 10 years.
• How many talking heads rewrote the year’s events with such bias the Christian Church will hire them for the next “revision” of the Bible? Two. Firstly, Bradley Walsh who revelled of his beloved Arsenal that “that sort of football hasn’t been played in England for many years”. They still only won one trophy. And secondly, Radio 5 Live Vassos Alexander who falsely stated about the Euro 2004 Final that “unless you were Portuguese you wanted Greece to win”, when the truth was that anybody who loved football wanted the turgid Greek side to be slaughtered 7-0.
• How many acerbic comments did half-man/half-half-eaten-pie Stuart Maconie make?
Almost one, about Robbie Williams. “‘Let me entertain you.’ In your own time,” he chuckled, before ruining his insult with: “That wasn’t me!”
• The number of half-digested reality shows that would be found in the privileged gut of James Hewitt during an autopsy? 14, as well as the disremembered remains of Jeff Brazier who believed that leaping into Hewitt’s maw was another chance to get on TV.
• How many reincarnations of barbarians of history were revealed? Two. The hateful Piers Morgan as Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins, destroying lives and ruining
careers to satiate his diabolic lust for carnage and devotion to a corrupt faith; and Alastair Campbell as Joseph Goebbels, an adjutant to an amoral premier who defends his own conscience through an “objective” inquiry by a party lackey.
• How many new devastating media bomb craters appeared on the face of Britain during 2004? A singular conjoined crater of Peter Andre and Jordan, which was filled with a noxious lingering cloud of mustard gas that subliminally coerced even casual observers into subscribing to OK! and Hello!.
• What was the level of metropolitan derision for West Country scientist Colin Pillinger after the failure of Mars probe Beagle 2? A nauseating crescendo of snorts and squeals that is typical of the herd of swine who spend much of the year rifling through the celebrity excrement in search of stories about EastEnders actors tripping over dustbins in Camden.
• How many years ago do we wish that Rebecca Loos had sold her story to the News of the World after she revealed they wanted her to “collaborate” on the exclusive? About 50 years ago in World War Two France where all native collaborators with an organisation only marginally more malevolent than News International, the Gestapo, were summarily shot.
• In what era did many of the talking heads seem to wish the year’s Ladies’ Singles Final had taken place? The mythological times of St George, as this would have been the perfect setting for those who champion beauty over talent who could have guiltlessly rejoiced as pretty Russian blonde Maria Sharapova slew the muscular, masculine dragon of Serena Williams.
• How much does Stuart Maconie know about football? Nothing, made apparent by his remark that “a footballer who doesn’t score a penalty every time should be shot”.
• How many ancient cultures have to rewrite their mythological annals to incorporate contemporary media figures? Just the Romans, who will have to concoct a new god simply to create a name for the newest gas giant in the Solar System – Chris Moyles.
• How upset will Paula Radcliffe be that Christopher Parker has “lost a lot of respect for her” after her failure to finish either race in the Olympics? The dedicated young woman who has spent much of the past two decades running thousands of miles to train for a gruelling athletics event will be heartbroken at the loss of respect from a pipsqueak who earns a living uttering a few lines in a pitiful soap opera and while occasionally dancing badly.