Rock Around The Block, ITV1

by | Jul 16, 2005 | All, Reviews

What to say if you liked it

A superb harnessing of the joys of karaoke which mould the twin delights of belting out a good tune with the sanguine community spirit.

What to say of you didn’t like it

Those who indulge in karaoke are the subjects of a well-founded, and highly justified, conspiracy in which they are slowly sterilised over a period of time through adulterating the water supply.

What as good about it?

• Watching Gary, the “life and soul of the party” transformed from a blokey bar-barian into a b-boy, complete with hip-hop phraseology and hand swift hand movements. He went on a long, endearing journey from his initial repugnance, “I was horrified. I hate rap,” to “get up and slam this track.”

• The Miller family’s incarnation of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s charming ditty Baby Got Back was so superior to the Mitrovics’ anaemic version of the B-52’s Love Shack that, should the Mitrovics have won, we would have been quite indignant and cried “conspiracy”, in

the same way as voters do when their favourite singers fails to qualify for the next round of Pop Idol etc. This, of course, provokes more morons to cast their 50p a minute opinion next week.

What was bad about it?

• Neil Fox, the horror of his presence (even only as narrator) is like lying paralysed on the operating table and being introduced to your surgeon – Dr Mengele. And while we’re at it, on The Big Call he increasingly resembles a snap-jawed turtle hurriedly half-stuffed into a leather suitcase.

• We would rather hear a barrage of iniquitous profanities than the appallingly trite idiom both families employed. The Millers: “I’m sorry Mitrovics, but you are so going to lose this,” as though they had been schooled in English using Friends episodes rather

than Dickens and Shakespeare.

• The “experts”, the majority were the common effluence who regularly appear on talentless shows, the type who wouldn’t be missed by their own children. But two were

particularly dreadful.

• The first was Kaz Gamble, the rap coach. Apparently, he has worked with the Wu-Tang Clan, whose members have made two of the best albums in history – Only Built 4 Cuban Linx and Liquid Swordz – but who also have an appalling track record in “collaborations” such as Method Man and Texas, the late ODB and Mariah Carey, Ghostface Killah and Eamon and the GZA and D’Angelo. And you can add Kaz Gamble to that sorry list.

• The second was Erik. He’s from Hollywood and is embellished by the kind of predictable tattoos as thugs who start fights in nightclubs. He uses meaningless mangled phrases such as “That is so ghetto fabulous”, “That’s hot” and “That’s cool.” Nobody outside of a queue of urgent lobotomies uses such prosaic language.

• Erik also screeched: “This is Hollywood style, baby.” Why are Britons so susceptible to the facile allure of Hollywood? While it is the venue for the production of the occasional fantastic film, was God to sheepishly erase that licentious district of Los Angeles from the map like a teacher erasing an effigy of an ejaculating

penis from the blackboard, then we would all be the better for it.

• The Beastie Boys’ Sabotage among the myriad musical interludes.

• The B-52’s Loveshack conjures up nightmares of 90s nightclubs on student £1-a-pint promotions. We were in such numbed shock when Loveshack ended, and we were

waiting for the first bars of Oops Upside Your Head.

• When Jesse explained she had “laddered her tights”, expert Rachel appeared on screen to offer a translation to American English, “torn your pantyhose”. What was the purpose of this? Is this series being sold to a US broadcaster, but even then it could have been edited out? Or are they suggesting Britons now understand American English better than correct English?

• People who can’t sing should not be encouraged to sing.

• Kaz said: “So let’s rock it, people!” The only sentient beings who use the word “people” are celebrity agents trying to authoritatively clear a path for the minus-cule-talented client at a media scrum. He also said “110 per cent”, which is damningly indicative of verbal illiteracy.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

16/07/2005

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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