Did we like it?
An unsightly trawl through the unclean lives of the south coast’s filthy rich that was metamorphosed into an arch satire by master presenter Piers Morgan, for whom godhood now surely beckons!
What was good about it?
• Piers Morgan is the most talented man working on television today, and probably in the world. Every atom of his body is like a little egg sac of ingenuity, screaming his genius at a world that is only just waking up to this Einstein of the airwaves.
• Piers archly stating that Sandbanks has aspirations to become “Britain’s Monte Carlo”. And Piers, of course, is just the man to draw comparisons between the two places blessed as he is with a jet-setting lifestyle that befits such a TV titan.
• Smashing his way past the flimsy artifice like the Julius Caesar of real estate, Piers quickly got to the bottom of what makes Sandbanks such an exclusive area. “I’m going to get down and dirty with the new money!” he scorned, in that rasping satirical voice of his that could roast to unchewable char the sugary cakes of lies spouted by Sandbanks’ estate agents.
• And where better to spit his verbal venom than at the number one estate agent of Sandbanks Tom Doyle, who “has two Bentleys” and a permanent grin on his face – aha, aha but Piers has two brains (how else could such genius be contained within one oblong cranium?) and a permanent smirk on his face, the kind of smirk worn by gods when their little human minions get ideas above their station.
• Louis Theroux eat your heart out! You may enjoy your merry jaunt around a dangerous American prison talking with lowlifes who will never amount to a hill of beans in this world, but take a leaf out of Piers’ book, good man. He has gone right to the top of society, and is asking them more provocative questions than you could ever imagine. Take his interrogation of Doyle – there was no jumping in their all guns righteously blazing – he took his time before sinking his fangs right into the aorta of Doyle’s existence. “This home is worth £8m,” boasted Doyle. “How much does £8m get me?” the master questioner asked, biting his lip with feverish joy as the lumbering Doyle stumbled into his masterfully-laid trap. “The view,” Doyle asserted. Barely able to stifle his joy at Doyle’s philosophical clumsiness, perfect Piers sarcastically replied, “Pretty amazing, isn’t it?”
• Short of handing him the spade, Piers was helping Doyle dig his own (moral) pauper’s grave. “Is there anyone you wouldn’t sell to?” Piers asked archly. “Osama Bin Laden?” This was probably the most tensest moment on TV since EastEnders on Christmas Day; Piers has done Doyle up like a kipper – he has placed him in the dilemma of causing his overriding and primary ideal for living, his avarice, to clash with the man-in-the-street’s notion of common decency. “I’d probably have to draw the line there!” quipped Doyle, bottling it.
• We were far more impressed, as was Piers, by property developer Eddie Mitchell. Piers highlighted that he was a Barnado’s Boy made good who now jazzed up homes on Sandbanks by knocking them down and building them up again with the kind of imagination that hasn’t been seen in Europe since the passing of Leonardo Da Vinci. “This is art for example,” Piers observed one of Mitchell’s properties called Thunderbird which was packed to the rafters with opulent art only a keen eye like Piers’ could appreciate. “You have had this vision and personally got this art made.” Poor Eddie is obviously dealing with aesthetic Palestines as Thunderbird has been on the market for two years and still remains unsold, which is like auctioning the Mona Lisa on eBay and only getting a biggest bid of £6.39.
• It was a brilliant way to start the New Year, with someone telling it like it is. After a year of lies and scandal on television we’re glad that Piers Morgan has galloped on to our screens like a modern day St George (and if we’re going to have Jeremy Clarkson as PM (yay!) let’s have Piers Morgan as our new patron saint). This is a man, a prince, a demigod whose reputation is unbesmirched by scandal and lies, who speaks the gospel truth when offering ‘opinions’ on America/ Britain’s Got Talent. So if you do one thing before this week is out, we beg you, it’s watch this programme to see a true master at work.
What was bad about it?
• What the hell is this doing on at 10.35pm? When Jesus rose from the dead he was carried aloft through the streets of Nazareth he didn’t meekly creep through the streets politely knocking on doors to announce his resurrection, which is the sort of treatment Piers has been subjected to. ITV, for god’s sake, this man could single-handedly save your channel – put him on in primetime, shoulder charge Moving Wallpaper into touch if you have to but get him on earlier. God makes the sun rise at about 6am each summer morning and remain glowing in the sky for 12 hours or more – ITV could do much worse than to have Piers on for a similar duration this summer, and we mean projecting his face onto the sun so he can offer the same quality advice and philosophy that he dishes out on Sandbanks. Imagine the joy!