The top 13 highlights of the Shameless Christmas Special, Channel 4, Thursday
1 Frank emerging from under a blanket of snow – the first evidence of his presence being the patch of yellowing snow
2 Sheila giving birth while screaming for consonants and vowels Countdown style in a scene that was a clever nod to the Nativity
3 The anarchy in The Jockey when cheap (but contaminated) meat was available
4 The even worse anarchy in The Jockey when supplies of beer run low
5 Debbie tricking Carl out of his leather jacket by telling him it looked “too gay”
6 Kev’s drinks cabinet disguised as a beer barrel
7 Yvonne fending off the army with a baseball bat in the minimart
8 Lip looking lovely
9 Slapper Carol and Mad Marty turning up like a bed smell after arsonist Marty had burnt the house down when he caught his mum shagging his best mate in the shower
10 Karen causing a diversion by giving a sexy soldier a blowjob
11 The old bat’s verdict on Muslims – “I’m norra racist, but they’re a f**kin’ nightmare that lot.”
12 The three-legged dogs
13 The ancient club singer doing What’s Love Got To Do With It
The Top 10 moments from Shameless, Channel 4, Tuesday
1 John Woodvine as Frank’s no-nonsense dad Neville who turned up like a Wild West hero to sort out his useless offspring, who promptly fled to The Jockey for a pint of lager and a couple of Es.
2 The Jockey’s lesbian landlady Jess banning Veronica for headbutting Karen (pinning a Polaroid of her on the wall of shame) – and Veronica’s desperate attempts to get back in, disguised as a brunette and an old man.
3 Sheila overcoming her fear of being watched as she eats by attaching a napkin to her head with an elastic band when she went to the restaurant with Neville and Frank. We also loved the sensational red dress Sheila wore.
4 Frank praying in The Jockey – “Give us this day our daily bread, or at least let us get so caked that we don’t give one iota of a f**k.” – and dancing to the Stone Roses while drunk and semi-naked
5 Sheila falling asleep with her head in the washer-drier.
6 Veronica’s verdict on partner Kev – “a useless spack of a husband with a lumpy little dick”.
7 Frank and Sheila waking up and realising their bed is full of the debris of tuna sandwiches
8 Veronica’s distract-the-milkman scam (previously seen in series one) so that Ian can nick milk and the milkman can walk away with a fierce erection
9 Lilian threatening to call the police when Frank pretended to be washing her windows
10 Neville entertaining Sheila and Frank’s new twins Nigel and Delia with his harmonica
The Top 5 highlights of Shameless, Channel 4, Tuesday
1 Madcap social worker Marissa (with her sheaves of papers) arriving at Veronica and Kev’s house with 10-year-old foster kid Eric. “He was born in Ardwick. Not the posh bit but nice enough so he won’t be stealing your purse to buy crack cocaine.” Marissa later led a police raid on the house to take Eric away – returning a few minutes later after realising she’d got the address wrong.
2 Veronica vacuuming around the comatose Marty, the Tourette’s sufferer who later taught Eric how to swear
3 Eric’s immunity to Veronica’s attempts to cheer up up with meals made in the shape of smiley faces
4 Frank scoffing the Hashy Birthday cake – and Eric finishing off the remains, before passing out
5 Carol and her continental (not) toyboy Rico. “So savage!”
The Top 5 highlights of Shameless, Channel 4, Tuesday
1 Kev nicking the council’s Diana Memorial Garden
2 Sheila leaving Frank with a cupboard of beer when she goes away to tend to her sick mother
3 Frank and the twins in the smoky pub after hours where Never Gonna Give You Up is being sung on the karaoke and stolen car radios are being traded.
4 Kev’s embarrassment when it emerged he’d been wanked off by his brother Marty
5 Sheila cleaning up while wearing a black veil, following the death of her mother
The Top 5 moments in Shameless, Channel 4, Tuesday
1 – Ian headbutting Frank when his father accused him of being gay. “Now you’re talking,” a beaming, bleeding Frank said. “Thank Christ for that.”
2 – Lip’s delight when Mandy sees him naked and says: “If you stuck a bonnet on that, it would look like a microphone.”
3 – Fiona’s hen party – Spice Girls, alcopops, devil’s horns, ciggies and phallic balloons – and Steve’s stag party – Ms Dynamite, beer and more beer, plus Lillian the dressmaker. She soon got fed up with Frank’s cheek as she measured him up for his wedding suit. “Any more of that talk and I’ll pin your whatsit to your knackers.”
4 – The tearful departure of Steve after his drug dealing is exposed by PC Tony
5 – Marty’s vendetta against Pepe, his mother’s underpants-stealing dog
Top 10 highlights of Shameless, Channel 4, Tuesday
1 – The Maguire family. So you thought the Gallaghers were chavvy? They’re not a patch on the mad Maguires. Mum Mimi is a Pro-Life Catholic but still deals drugs out the back door and wears cheap bling. Dad is a violent drunk, his sons are apprentice violent drunks and his daughter Mandy is a nymphomaniac who kneed Lip in the balls when he wasn’t in the mood for sex.
2 – Ian’s trepidation when the Maguires found out he had made daughter Mandy pregnant. He thought he was in for a beating – but got a backslapping instead. “Mimi was up the duff before we got married,” said dad. “Welcome to the family.” Mimi was welcoming, too, until she got Ian alone. “If you ever do anything to hurt her,” she told Ian while wielding a carving knife, “your bollocks come off.”
3 – Moya Brady (previously in The Bill) as Cassie, the relief manager at the Jockey who demanded that Frank pay off his £375 bar tab before he’d get another drop of £1.90-a-pint lager (you’d struggle to find tap water at that price in London)
4 – Cassie’s solution to Frank’s problem: getting him to shag her in return for the debt being wiped. (“Bite me, treat me rough, spit on me,” she cried)
5 – Kev’s attempt to make the smoke alarm go off to save Frank from Cassie’s clutches.
6 – Frank sitting quietly, knocking back wine, while the Maguires began a mass brawl out at the Ian-Mandy engagement party in The Jockey (while I’m In The Mood For Dancing cheesed up the joint). Kev – “I thought your family were bad, Frank, but they’re like the Windsors compared with this lot.”
7 – Lip talking to gay brother Ian about getting Mandy pregnant – “I used Johnnys. What should I use? Bin liners? What do you use, Ian? Oh yeah, Kash’s arse.”
8 – Sheila throwing away her medication (“Sometimes we have to make sacrifices. Look at Joan of Arc”) and then hallucinating all the time, seeing Frank as the slob he really is and her babies as suckling pigs.
9 – The nympho nurse ripping open a condom packet with her teeth (don’t do that at home, kids. That’s how babies happen) just seconds after Lip had finished screwing her and filling the last Johnny.
10 – Chris Coghill (from our fave show Burn It) joining the cast as Craig, new love interest for Fiona now that Steve has been forced to flee.
11 – Veronica weeing in the alley
Top 10 highlights of Shameless, Channel 4
1 – Psychotic, bitter bunny boiler Katrina, played brilliantly by Tara Moran who switched from fake smiles to looks of evil malice in nanoseconds. Katrina, a school nemesis of Fiona’s (who nicknamed her Sperm Whale), and possibly the most deranged public official on TV since Mad Maya in Coronation Street. She punched Kev in the face, slammed her fiancée Joey Dawson’s already broken arm with the toilet door and threatened to have Liam taken into care. And this was when she still thought that Fiona has only given Joey a drunken snog rather than shagged him. When her plan failed, she blurted out that Fiona pissed on her PE kit. She was last seen tucking into four helpings of cheesecake and having second thoughts about her Lord Of The Rings-themed wedding with the page boys as hobbits.
2 – Ian is delighted when he finds out Frank isn’t his real dad. When he goes looking for his real dad Gary, he ends up in a posh outer-suburb area where a rich resident notices his chav-like appearance and takes her hedge cutter indoors. But the jazz-loving suburban Gary isn’t his dad; the real one turns out to be a virtual clone of Frank.
3 – Sheila washing and straightening cling film so she can reuse it. “I haven’t had to buy any for three years.”
4 – Frank’s incoherent rage against bureaucracy and his rare show of appreciation for Fiona’s role as substitute mother.
5 – Debbie knowing every family member’s blood group and being able to remember every family member’s Christmas presents since 1995.
6 – Carl having to have Vaseline applied to his arse after an accident with trying to light his own farts.
7 – Kev’s small talk with Katrina to stall her while Fiona looks for Joey’s keys. “So, Fiona said you used to be really fat!”
8 – Veronica’s mermaid costume.
9 – Frank complementing the size of a woman’s breasts while she breastfeeds her baby in a hospital waiting room.
10 – Fiona declaring that Frank’s greatest achievement will go down as ?getting to the bog on time.
Top 15 highlights of Shameless, Channel 4
1 – After Fiona announces to the family that she’s pregnant, Debbie is delighted, saying she knew all along and has been secretly knitting yellow bootees for weeks.
2 – Fiona saying “I was the only girl in my class who wasn’t pregnant before my GCSEs. I was really proud of that.”
3 – Marty sporting a trendy fin hairstyle and using the rear view mirror he nicked from Kev and Veronica’s car to look at Fiona’s newly enlarged breasts, a result of her pregnancy
4 – Gerard Kearns’ acting as Ian, who is in tears when he finds out his secret boyfriend Kash may lose his business and consequently have to move away. Awww, you just wanted to give him a hug.
5 – The accident claims salesmen, hoping to pounce on aggrieved people and persuade them to sue. Shopkeeper Yvonne tried to get rid of them by throwing a bucket of water, but then she slammed the door on Frank – and he lost a tooth. The salesmen descended, promising compensation and shoving him into a neckbrace he doesn’t need. When Frank changes his mind about suing, he’s landed with a huge legal bill, and it’s very satisfying when Kev plays the sharks at their own game by setting them up at the end.
6 – Veronica trying to cheer up Fiona as she takes her to have an abortion. She tries to make light of the situation by saying she will take advantage of the free condoms in the hospital and is bitchy about a chubby, bespectacled woman who is also in the abortion clinic, saying that it’s a wonder how she got pregnant in the first place.
7 – The ostracising of Frank by the other locals when they find out he’s caused the shop to close and they’ll have to catch the bus into town. The revenge included Frank and Sheila being pelted with eggs (“I’ve been shot”), Frank being refused to be served in The Jockey (“We’re just choosing not to serve you due to popular demand”) and a sign on the shop saying “Shop Closed. Blame Frank Gallagher”.
8 – Fiona’s new catch Craig, who still lives with his wife. Not because they are still together (“We haven’t touched each other in two years”) but because she is technically entitled to half of everything in the house and wants to make the most of it. He later revealed that while they were married and trying for a baby she had “enough contraception to sterilise an elephant”.
9 – Sheila trying to win prizes on radio competitions (she won a year’s supply of mini yoghurts once) and then triumphing on Grab My Grand with Richard Arnold. After a massive binge to celebrate Sheila’s win, Frank is hung over and found under the pub pool table amid ciggies and spilt beer. “I dreamt I was dead” he said. “I have that dream” replied Fiona. Frank isn’t so happy when Sheila tells him she used all but £80 of her £1,000 winnings to pay for a debt that had already being written off.
10 – After dropping his claim against the shop, Frank does a grand re-opening, complete with scissors and a ribbon.
11 – The hard-up Gallaghers resorting to charity tins – having to guess what’s inside the labelless cans. The contents includes strawberry flavoured edible knickers. Carl ate them.
12 – Frank recalls his 21st birthday. “My first drink was spiked with LSD and Spanish Fly. I got arrested for shagging the exhaust pipe of a Mini Metro.”
13 – Fiona shagging Craig, accompanied by Relight My Fire
14 – Sheila wearing a plastic rainhood (we love them) as she took babies Nigel and Delia for a walk
15 – Sheila appearing on Countdown and getting “copulate”.
Top 7 highlights of Shameless, Channel 4
1 – Debbie trying to cure Marty of Tourette’s syndrome by substituting nice words for swearwords eg spongecake instead of spunkface.
2 – Veronica – “My dad died the day I passed my driving test. Well, at least I got his Citreon.”
3 – The crowd urging Marty to jump off Sandringham House – and Debbie talking him down.
4 – Veronica’s battle with Kelly Marie, culminating in her locking her sister-in-law in the bathroom to get her off heroin
5 – Marty getting all wistful about the beauty of a gas tower.
6 – Carol’s leopardskin eye mask and nightgown
7 – Debbie making tea while bopping around to Westlife. There’s still a shred of childhood innocence left in the girl.
Top 10 highlights of Shameless, Channel 4
1 – Frank finishing his drink, right down to eating the ice cubes, with the winning raffle ticket stuck to the bottom of the glass. Sheila, meanwhile, was in hysterics, frantically searching the mountain of raffle tickets she bought to ensure she’d win an invite to the Lady Mayoress’s Ball. It turned out Frank pinched the winning ticket from Lillian, who had disappeared because her husband Brendan had been decapitated in a car accident.
2 – Debbie taking charge and organising the family. She’s a tough, authoritarian leader, threatening to cut Carl’s tongue out if he let Fiona know he doesn’t want her to leave, but she got the job done. The family rushed to get Fiona back with Steve and she supplied an alibi for Carl when the police came round (“He was being circumcised!”), got four lads to shave their hair off “for Red Nose Day” so it’d be more difficult to identify accidental killer Carl, and telling the family the financial sacrifices they’d have to make without Fiona.
3 – Frank’s attempts to get rid of Sadie, a beautiful, fluffy white dog belonging to Brendan which Lillian always hated. He tied her in a bag and dumped her in a canal, but she somehow survived and found him in the pub. Then he threw a ball for her to fetch over the motorway, causing a traffic accident. But she survived that and turned up at the end of the episode with the ball for Frank. He decided to keep her. It’s a good thing she seems indestructible given the fate of the last dog in the Gallagher house…
4 – Sheila’s lullabies for her twins are Cliff Richard songs. But they only work if Sheila herself is singing them.
5 – Frank in a tuxedo and Sheila in a navy blue ballgown which reveals a lot of cleavage (plus a glittering tiara) as they head to the Lady Mayoress’s Ball. They can’t afford to hire a limo, so instead go in a mini-bus. But the Lady Mayoress organises for them to return in a “special car”. A police car.
6 – Kev telling Karen to cheer up a jilted and bruised Craig by “taking him to the bogs to suck him off”.
7 – Lillian trying to give innocent explanations to the police for the massive amount of drugs found with her dead husband’s body. The cannabis was on prescription, he only used the glue for making matchstick models and the amphetamines were Lillian’s, for her narcolepsy, which she put in Brendan’s dinner “as a joke”.
8 – Ian calls Yvonne a “hard-faced, two-faced, sour-faced bitch” after learning she has hired another lad to work in the shop – and feels a little guilty when she informs him that it’s so he can work in a pub collecting glasses and thus spend more time with Kash. Ian’s replacement Mick seems find Ian very attractive….
9 – Kash’s political opponent Bernie Creme tries to turn the crowd of the pub against Kash with a tirade of racist remarks and BNP-style policies, plus a girl who looks like a Sun Page 3 stunna. It works at first, but he goes too far and it backfires on him.
10 –The playing of The Scouse National Anthem, You’ll Never Walk Alone.