Six Feet Under: A Coat of White Primer
• The amusing little who’ll-do-it drama in the Dead Body Of The Week segment. Andrea Kuhn was told by her therapist to tell everyone how she feels about them. Mother, sister and friend took it well but her husband wasn’t quite as amenable. During an angry contretemps over his love of antiques, Andrea ended up being impaled through the eye by a poker. “We don’t even have a fireplace.” she’d complained.
• Feeling sorry for Ruth. Beset by eco-paranoia, husband George was sectioned and given electric shock therapy (in sepia) but now he’s back home and Ruth’s sweet nature has evaporated – she even slapped Claire.
• Ruth’s advice to Federico on dating (after he’d had a lacklustre time with hygienist Sharon) – “Enjoy it, dear, but try not to be blinded by lust if you can.”
• Clare still doing her rubbish photo montages
• David is troubled by the prospect of finding a surrogate mother – “I cant just rent out some woman’s uterus like it’s a storage locker” – and he has a daydream in which prospective, but bitter, mothers try to woo him in a fantasy version of The Bachelor.
• Brenda’s mother – she’s a psychiatrist, one of the caring professions – dishes out advice as her daughter, who has suffered a miscarriage, prepares to marry Nate. “Just clean yourself up with a good powder. I’ve got some Chanel in my purse. Honey, you don’t have to worry about things going right any more. That boat has sailed. You know it happens all the time. So many of my friends – Joanie, Celia, Aunt Mary, even Theresa Heinz Kerry had one and god knows she looks terrific. More women have miscarried than have masturbated with a dildo. They just don’t think about it.”
• Brenda’s argument with Nate’s dead first wife Lisa who is as cruel as ever, claiming that Brenda’s insides have been ruined by the many cocks she’ had inside. “You’ll never have a happy ever after moment. You’re too f**ked up for that.”
Six Feet Under: Dancing For Me
• Nate being miserable having to listen to old school pal Tom’s paedophilic fantasies about his 13-year-old daughter
• Brenda being miserable as an intern in a legal practice dealing with abuse and drugs cases, and allowing her mother to pull strings to get her a cushy job instead
• Ruth being miserable having to look after George. She isn’t even amused by his joke (What do you call an Italian whore? A pastatute).
• George being miserable/angry because he can’t have Neopolitan ice cream
• David and Keith being a little bit miserable because they’re worried about how they’ll become parents
• Claire being miserable and prima donnaish when her rubbishy art is criticised
• Billy being miserable because the drugs to calm his mental illness have removed his artistic edge
• Federico being miserable because he screwed up his relationship with hygienist Sharon. He’s so sad he tells estranged wife Vanessa that Sharon died just to get a hug and sympathy
• George’s daughter Maggie being really sweet
• David being happy about a new embalming fluid he’s discovered from Millennium New Era Chemicals
Six Feet Under: Hold My Hand
• The haunting scenes of how little George’s mother overdosed after making him promise not to leave her “while she slept.”
• Federico – fresh from being rejected by Vanessa at the Common Purpose Singles Party – meeting shortlived Fisher & Sons employee Angela (Illeana Douglas) during a talk on embalming fluid at a funeral directors’ convention. They end up buying a feast from the motel’s vending machine, before indulging in rampant sex. “You’re the cutest goddam little f**ker,” she yelled in a moment of ecstacy. “I’m here at the Quality Inn and I just had my brains screwed out by a man who can make a mutilated corpse look like a f**king movie star.”
• Claire getting really pretentious when Ruth refused to fund her daughter’s dreams: “How am I supposed to move to Europe and ripen?” And really furious: “Stop being such a controlling bitch.”
Six Feet Under:Time Flies
• Billy’s erratic behaviour now he’s stopped taking the tablets. “My clothes are all heavy today. I want my Ski Iraq shirt”
• Keith and David’s surrogate mother Marty, a coffee guzzling, pretty in pink, bubbly little thing. “I get pregnant super easy.”
• Gay Roger’s bizarre wife Cissy and his too-smart kids who asked Keith and David: “Do you ever have sex with chicks? Have you ever had sex with our dad? Do you have orgies?” The boy, about 13, then revealed “I have a girlfriend in Aspen. She’s bi.”
• The 40th birthday party hell endured by Nate
Six Feet Under:Eat A Peach
• David’s reaction to the adoption picnic: “Just look. Everyone’s here to scope out the most adorable kids.”
• The sisters of the deceased arriving at the viewing of the body with trays of bacon-wrapped ham balls and cold cuts.
• Brenda getting all pretentious after reading The Coherent Parent
Six Feet Under: The Rainbow Of Her Reasons
• The similarity to Wernham Hogg in Slough when “artist” Claire was forced to take a temping job. No sooner had she squeezed into her cubicle, wearing her light blue “corporate attire”, a colleague thrust Beverley’s birthday card over the partition for her to sign even though Claire had no idea who Beverley was. Then she met the officer joker (“Wassupppp?”), had to hunt for requisition printouts, received an e-card featuring dancing puppies from her colleague and was presented with a free bathroom pass.
• Claire’s rebellion about having to wear pantyhose (including a glorious fantasy where she sings You Ride Up My Thighs to the tune of You Light Up My Life). Her attempt to encourage a rebellion failed to win popular support. “I’m gonna wash out some mugs,” was her colleague’s preferred course of action.
• Keith and David’s different attitudes to their troublesome foster kids – Keith locks them in their room; David buys them a PS2 (“It’s going to rot their brains,” Keith yells).
• Nate being troubled by the death of Fiona, his aunt Sara’s friend who, as Ruth put it, ushered him into manhood at the age of 15. Nate is unhappy about Sara and her feminist cronies: “Our friend would like us to be happy so lets make the funeral one of those big, sloppy party deals.” Ruth ends up smoking dope, and telling Fiona’s corpse: “I forgive you for deflowering my boy.”
• Donna the nanny from hell hired by Vanessa to look after the kids. Instead, she spent her time recording an audition for Survivor and was then caught making pancakes for a homeless man.
• Ruth left George; Federico was reunited with Vanessa.
Six Feet Under: The Silence
• Keith and David battling with the foster children who’ve found their gay porn which was hidden in a locked box underneath the pile of Ralph Lauren sheets
• Claire’s reaction when she’s invited to Doc’s for an after-work drink. “The bar in the mall!!!???”
• Ruth’s fantasy reaction to Federico’s lack of sex in which she recommended masturbation. “There were long periods of my marriage when Nathaniel was constantly masturbating.”
• Brenda’s mother is as sympathetic as ever. “The baby’s going to wreak havoc on your body.”
• Keith discusses parenting with Roger’s scarily perceptive kids. “Mum always tries to get the teachers to validate her parenting.”
• The happy ending when David and Keith went to see foster son Dorrell playing an elm tree at school
• The unhappy ending when Vanessa refuses to enjoy sex with Federico.
• Ruth’s embarrassment when she turns up at a posh party with a huge tray of potato salad. It remains untouched and she ends up scraping it all into a toilet bowl.
• Ruth remains cheery as ever. “I have this emptiness that won’t go away. I just want to be left alone so I can shrivel in peace.”
Six Feet Under: Singing For Our Lives, E4
• The spectactular death sequence in which Pilar Sandoval rollerbladed with delight down a steep hill, trailing three dogs she was walking, and then smacked into a car.
• Ruth’s failure as a babysitter when Dorell and Anthony went joyriding instead of making cookies with her.
• The dispute between the Fisher & Diaz partners as they planned for the future: David wanted to go into cremation, Nate wanted to leave bodies in a green field and Federico wanted to exploit the Hispanic market
• Claire’s relationship with co-worker Ted – he took her to a fratboy reunion, introducing her as “the biggest soap star in the whole of Holland”; she took him to an art show where a gaint phallic lollipop dominated the gallery
• Everything going right for Ruth (she linked up again with sex-mad hairdresser Herman)
• Everything going right for David and Keith (they reached an understanding with the foster kids)
• Everything going right for Federico and Vanessa (some warmth was injected in their chilly relationship)
• Everything going right for Nate (he found peace at a Quaker meeting and had sex with the lovely Maggie) – but then going horribly wrong (he collapsed in Maggie’s bedroom)