Test The Nation: The 2004 Test, BBC1

by | Dec 19, 2004 | All, Reviews

• If hired by unscrupulous estate agents, how quickly could Anne Robinson’s ruminating jaws clear the Chinese countryside of bamboo causing the protected panda to become extinct? 19 days.

• The number of mediaeval castles that fell to enemies when built on the peak of hills as precipitous as Anne Robinson’s crooked mouth? None.

• If the fashion students in the audience were reduced to a gas and dispersed into the atmosphere of the capital, by what rate would the circulations of Hello! and OK increase? 2046 per cent.

• How many shepherds glared in a fixed state of terror as a camera panned along their rows? Three, one of whom attacked it as a mythological beast that may kill his sheep.

• How many viewers’ homes became inundated in the grease of triviality after it was inferred Strictly Come Dancing was the most important event of the year? 4.2 million.

• The number of tears shed by the Brothers Grimm as their status as the world’s best spinners of fairy tales was usurped by the interminable anecdotes from members of the audience? Thousands upon thousands, until they were struck by a new idea for a parable about a woman so greedy for radiance that she swallowed the sun to maintain her orange glow and her stunted greying goblin butler who scampered all over the world distracting everyone with meaningless questions to prevent them ever achieving anything that could threaten his mistress’s dynasty.

• How many dragons were lured into Piers Morgan’s mouth where they would choke on their own fumes after being sealed in by his narrow trap-jaw mouth? Four.

• How much longer would the market traders’ tortuous sketch have continued before God lost patience and turned London into a fiery cousin for Sodom and Gomorrah? Three seconds, but by that time Gabriel was probably already hiding the sharp instruments to

prevent his boss from self-harm.

• If the words of Antony Worrall Thompson were constructed into a house, how much would he get for it? A nominal fee, as even the first little piggy would recognise its structural infirmity.

• How many out-of-work actors were sacrificed to the demanding god of comedy to ensure that Piers Morgan’s and Anne’s banter seemed natural and spontaneous? Not enough.

• How many deaths did the audience cheer when they got a question right that featured footage of terrorist attacks in Iraq? A couple of thousand.

• What was the number of miners the government sent into the eyes of Piers Morgan to hack out the valuable lies upon which they can found future policy? 12, but only six returned. The rest found the allure of feasting on bounteous visions of duplicity and deception too great a temptation to resist.

• When a mysterious shadow was cast across Anne’s face to what degree was her life in peril? A great deal, as it was Death come to claim his quota of souls from the living world. But recognising no emotional, and certainly no physical, semblance of humanity in Anne he passed on his way.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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