The Alan Titchmarsh Show, ITV1

by | Sep 7, 2007 | All, Reviews

Did we like it?

Of course not. The vital question that needs to be answered is, is it worse than That Anthony Cotton Show? The answer: no, surprisingly it isn’t. It is tedious, safe, twee and mindless but Cotton is much more rotten.

What was good about it?

• The brassy musical stabs.

What was bad about it?

We sampled three episodes and catalogued these hideous TV moments.

• The spangly titles and the unimaginative set (potted bushes, old ladies’ knick knacks, fake arches etc).

• Titchmarsh’s grating bonhomie.

• Titchmarsh, Nick Ferrari and Anne Widdecombe indulging in a right-wing rants, with views as flabby as their frames, as they ‘analysed’ cold-off-the-press items in the day’s newspapers. The EU passport had them spluttering (Her Maj’s message is being dropped by those evil, sick Brussels bastards). Asbos had an outraged Titchmarsh declaring: “I think 90 per cent of the population want to go back to a clip round the ear.” (The audience applauded and probably wet themselves). After an obese kid was rounded on, Titchmarsh had the gall to warn: “We don’t know all the facts, we don’t know the background” – even though that hadn’t stopped them trotting out Daily Mailish bile beforehand.

• Cooking with Rick Stein and some “friendly looking fish”. Titchmarsh moronically asked: “Were there surprises that you didn’t expect to find?”

• An interview with Jason Isaacs that was steered towards his Harry Potter appearance as much as possible. Somehow, he managed to maintain a smile and some dignity as he dealt with the inane questions.

• More windbaggery with the awful Anne and Nick about the Madeleine McCann case.

• An interview with Ben Fogle, who shares Titchmarsh’s wetness and blandness. Featured some banter about nudity and prattling about the environment.

• The presentation of an Alan Titchmarsh National Treasure award (ugly perspex slab) to the hearing dogs organisation.

• Yawn-worthy discussion of contemporary garden design with Diarmuid Gavin.

• Pam Ayres and Nina Myskow pontificating on size zero models. Featured Ayres breaking out into some of her dreadful ‘poetry’.

• Ayres then appeared as a guest in her own right for a chat with Titchmarsh that seemed like we’d been transported back to a 1950s drawing room.

• Darryn Lyons, that fat hen who takes pictures of Jade Goody etc, joining Nina Myskow and Titchmarsh to discuss tabloid newspapers.

• Titchmarsh’s Joan Hickson impression during a chat with Stephen Mangan which plugged ITV’s Marple.

• Darryn Lyons and Jane Moore being boring about the Sex Pistols and then joining moon-faced Howard Jones to be even more boring about LiveAid.

• Titchmarsh behaving like a kid on Christmas day when he got a personalised rugby short from a not-even-as-good-as-G4 quartet called Blake after they’d bored us stiff with Swing Low.

• An item on the “staggering £2billion” cider industry littered with stupid jokes.

• A chummy chat with Charlie Dimmock in a Ground Force reunion. (Yes, water features figured highly)

• “Ta da”

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

07/09/2007

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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