I’ve decided, after five weeks of watching season 10 of The Apprentice, I want to see James and Daniel locked in a room together and the key thrown away. A long way away. Task five was all about coach tours, an easy-money ride for teams Tenacity and Summit, led by Daniel (who from this point on we shall call Denial) and Sanjay respectively. Denial shouted down handsome Aussie Mark to grab the PM job, saying he did “events management every day”. But he probably also believes he can leap tall buildings in a single bound, can eat radiation and sell stuff.
We should have known we were in trouble the moment that smug expression flitted across his bestubbled chin when the rest of Tenacity caved in and let him take charge. We were even treated to a clip of the deluded twonk, claiming that “There’s nothing you can’t throw at me I can’t be brilliant at” or cobblers to that effect. Sadly, the general public were blissfully unaware of this, especially when he tried to force them to hand over mahooosive quantities of cash – I mean sell tickets for – a coach tour around Blenheim Palace.
While Katie and Felipe sold their butts off, Denial did um… bugger all. Perhaps someone ought to have a word in his shell-like and tell him it’s not advisable to look murderous after someone declines his kind invitation to hand over some of their money. It might help…
Luckily, Lauren, Mark and Pamela (who continued to whinge this week, but the girl had a point) were outstanding, presenting a polished and professional tour around Blenheim. Unfortunately, catastrophe loomed again, leaving Mark looking like someone had kicked him in the nuts as Denial handed out his awful-looking, cheapo lunches. Meanwhile, over at team Summit, Sanjay took the reins and immediately bowed to knob-on-a-stick James in all things. That meant what could have been a pleasant tour of Hever Castle and a Canterbury Tales-themed museum turned into an afternoon with a pair of toddlers.
James (sporting a plastic crown that made him look more of a chump than usual) sang songs, including One Man Went to Mow… The look on Karren’s face was priceless. At Hever, Jemma proved to the the world’s most inept tour guide as she read from notes and suggested Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII “grew apart”. Er, not quite… Summit’s tour was little more than an excuse for James to piss about in a costume and batter 20-odd people senseless with his relentless selling technique, which Surallan pulled him up for AGAIN in the boardroom.
Within those staged walls, we learned Summit made a little over £800, while Tenacity (not including Denial, of course as he didn’t sell anything – EXCEPT IN HIS HEAD) brought home more than 1,300-odd quid. As Mark and the others celebrated with a group hug, Denial was left to hiss and seethe all on his lonesome, after his team told Surallan how rubbish Denial had been. But the bitching didn’t stop, even when they had all completed their treat – a spot of abseiling down that red sculpture in what was the Olympic Village.
Back in the boardroom, Sanjay was left twirling in the breeze, while James sat, smug and confident that Surallan would, once again, fall for his twinkly-eyed barrer-boy bullshit. He did avoid being brought back, but only by the skin of his infuriatingly irritating teeth.
A rather dull exchange followed and Stepford Wife Jemma got the boot, but I couldn’t help feeling Surallan was desperate to lay into James. The cameras were still rolling when Sanjay and Bianca returned to the house, and there was time for one final ding-dong between Denial and Mark to savour before the credits rolled. Next week, James is in charge of the task, so here’s hoping he continues ploughing that wide-boy furrow and I get my wish – seeing him and Denial slugging it out in a locked, windowless, customerless room somewhere in the middle of nowhere until the end of time.
Felipe – Sold well, but NOBODY let this man near a microphone again. Ever – Talent
Denial – There’s nothing more to say, is there? – Tool
Sanjay – Idiotic project management – Tool
Solomon – Did well this week – Talent
James – Starting to make me feel physically sick the second he opens his mouth – Tool
Mark – Getting my vote every week, no matter what, just to see if Denial explodes – Talent
Bianca – Mucked up her big pitch, silly girl – Tool
Jemma – FIRED
Lauren – Aces! She and Mark should marry and double-team James and Denial – Talent
Pamela – Still wingeing, ut still right – Talent
Katie – Good sales this week – Talent
Roisin – Stayed in the background and managed to avoid much of James’ bullshit – Talent
The Apprentice Continues Wednesday at 9.00pm on BBC ONE
Contributed by Scheenagh Harrington