Board games. I don’t know a single human being in my social circle, whether real or imagined, who plays board games. Not even the most booze-soaked version of Trivial Pursuit is dragged out these days, thanks to a combination of various apps, tablets and Netflix.
So I had to wonder what the hell motivated Surallan to reveal that creating a new board game – or rather bored game – was this week’s task.
Pamela headed team Tenacity, while god help us but godawful excuse for a salesman James took control of Summit. Pamela’s team, which included Aussie hunk Mark and his bearded nemesis Denial, came up with quite possibly the most tasteless game ever, called The Relationship Guru. Or something. My brain scoured it from my frontal cortex the moment I saw Denial sulkily scribbling down questions for it like: Women should ans: iron more, smile more, throw anyone called Denial down a well.I might have made that last response up. Anyhoo, suffice to say when it was hawked round the focus groups, they all squealed and recoiled in horror – which of course made Pamela clap her hands with glee and squeak that they’d found their ideal product. Not even the combined pouts of Lauren and her ever-increasing hair extensions and Mark’s self-love could put a stop to it.
Luckily, big buyer Waterstones did the equivalent of the plumber’s warning: sucking their teeth and shaking their head. They passed, without buying a single unit.
Things were going better for James. Zombie Roisin came up with a game with a geographical and edumacational twist, and to give the dead-eyed accountant her due, it was pretty nifty.
Everyone seemed to go for it, as the team did their best selling bit – even James tried not to flog 4,000 boxes for a half-eaten apple and a screwed up fiver. Sadly for him, however, his Achilles heel turned out to be Bianca, a woman who until now, I’d had a sneaking liking for. After tonight, I reckon she’s actually a bit of a dipshit. After all, she told the owners of one shop who bought six boxes of her game they would have exclusivity in the whole of Westminster – effectively closing out the likes of um… Waterstones.
Now, I don’t mind the schoolgirl error, but what really got up my nose was she made James look reasonable when he hit the roof about it.
So… we headed to the boardroom and Surallan scowled and sneered his way through another meeting. Team Tenacity, led by Pamela, raked in a smidge over £1,000, while James (grrrr) and his Summit colleagues got their mitts on almost double the amount. Sheesh. There’s just no getting rid of the twattish barrer boy is there? As Summit scampered off to shoot penalties at David Seaman, Pamela and Tenacity were left to suck down the cold, hard reality of losing. Surallan was brutal, laying into poor Mark, who even had to take a patronising ear-bashing from Denial (you watch him come out fighting next week!), before Pamela elected to bring back Lauren, complete with pout, and Denial. For about five minutes, I was completely convinced Denial was for the chop, as Surallan riffled through his CV and tore it to shreds. He carped at Lauren’s apparent “lack of fire”, and while she furiously searched for a pithy reply (or at least something that didn’t make it look like she was begging), the finger of shame had already been pointed at poor Pamela. Bless her cotton socks, she did so well not to burst into tears as she shuffled from the boardroom.
With warnings ringing in their ears, Lauren and Denial scuttled back to the house, living to fight another day.I’m eager to see next week’s episode if only to find out if Mark can kick everyone’s backside and prove I’m right in backing him to go all the way. Fingers crossed…
Felipe – Decent performance, kept his head below the parapet – Talent
Denial – Ugh. SO over him and his bollocksy statements – Tool
Sanjay – Quiet but productive week and rocked an interesting hairdo – Talent
Solomon – Did bugger all but giggle in a bad shirt/tie combo – Tool
James – Nope. Not saying anything, because if I get started I’ll need the entire page to express how much this idiot makes my blood boil – Tool
Mark – Still selling. Still awesome. Still kicking Denial’s ass – Talent
Bianca – Oh for god’s sake… – Tool
Lauren – Hmmm. Needs to up her game or she’s out the door – Tool
Pamela – FIRED
Katie – Quiet but solid performance – Talent
Roisin – Zombie eyes but business brain. Love her – Talent
The Apprentice Continues Wednesday at 9.00pm on BBC ONE
Contributed by Scheenagh Harrington