The BAFTA Awards Awards
• The “Hang on I’ll just remove this knife that’s sticking out of your back causing the blood to trickle over my polished shoes” Award: The X-Factor backroom zombie who made sure he thanked “Kate and Louis”.
• The Vomit on the bib Award for ruination through their nauseating presence
Winner: Jenni Falconer on the red carpet before the ceremony ensuring blanket coverage on the hive of iniquity GMTV.
Runner-up: The red carpet itself, which exudes the alluring stench of putrefying fame to celebrity obsessed maggots.
• The “Black & White means art darling, I can’t be doing with that common colour!” Award: Graham Norton, who in his suit looked like an eviscerated chess piece.
• The Chris Moyles “From this day forward you shall think like us” Award for services to eliminating individuality and imagination in entertainment: Three of the nominees for Best Entertainment – X-Factor, Dancing On Ice and How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
• The Margaret Thatcher “You can mine my face for a smile down to the craggy bone of my skull but it will yield only a seam of profound misery” Award: John Simm’s downcast face after twice missing out on awards.
• The hollow soul of Simon Cowell Award for continuous echo: The number of allusions to Richard Hammond’s accident. Yes, we’re thankful he’s alive too but he’s in danger of becoming like Matt Willis when there’s nothing else interesting about him other than his time on I’m A Celebrity.
• The “You can talk, your ragged eyes look as if a dog has spent the last hour rummaging through them for his lost chew toy” Award: Graham Norton for his barbs towards the rotund Ray Mears.
• The “line ’em up, I’ll be back in a tick” Award: The cast of Casualty who swept on stage in a blur of cheap dresses and hen party menace before being dragged by the undertow back to the bars of London town.
• The George W Bush “Oh please, anyone but him” Award: The triumph of Ross Kemp On Gangs – in which seeks to simultaneously horrify and arouse the ardour through its depiction of violently dull people around the world.
• The Discovery Channel “You can’t go wrong with Nazis” Award: The makers of Goering’s Last Stand.
• The Discovery Channel “Use the worst atrocities in history to pull in both viewers and awards” Award: ITV and Channel 4, which were both garlanded for producing dramas concerning the Moors Murderers Myra Hindley and Ian Brady.
• The Aleister Crowley Memorial Award for Cultural Satanist of the Year: Simon Cowell.
• The Lord Levy Award for ineptitude in the practice of covering something up: The pointlessness of first bleeping out an inevitable “f**k” from Gordon Ramsay, and then pixellating his mouth to prevent lip readers (who would know what he was saying anyway because of the bleep) from reading his profanity.
• The “You talk, I’ll just sit here like a stuffed pig” Award: John Thomson in the Andy Harries tribute, in which he looked like a shaved ornamental bear rug dragged on to the sofa.
• The Avril Lavigne Award for maintaining the illusion of independent free will when a thick-skinned, ring-fingered corporate hand is directing every move: Kelly Osbourne reading monotonously from the autocue: “This-award-is-for-people-who-made-us-laugh-spontaneously-and-continuosly.”
• The Sellafield Nuclear Power Station “Well, this is what we found in its stom-ach” Award for radioactive mutation: Janet Street-Porter who looked like one of those stolen cars who have been sawn in half and then hamfistedly glued together with another half before being spray-painted all the garish shades of the rainbow.
• The Millennium Dome on the 2nd of January 2000 Award for instantaneous obsolescence: Chantalle, once it was revealed that Celebrity Big Brother hadn’t won.
• The Martin Kemp “Once I would have been up on stage lapping up applause, but now I’m reduced to grazing among the past-it celebrity herd waiting for the moment when I’m called back to the yard to be slaughtered so The Times obituary page can be padded out on a quiet day” Award: Jason Donovan.
• The Troubled Britney Spears “So plastic it will preserve your sandwiches on a hot day in the height of summer while you throw a frisby around in the morning and still be fresh when you come to eat them at lunchtime” Award: Girls Aloud’s Tupperware vocals booming out as Brenda Blethyn presented the Best Actor award.
• The Piers Morgan Award for excellence in making someone sound like a fool through selective editing: Victoria Wood who make a few jokes about her second trip to the stage to pick up an award oblivious that her first had been cut from the main programme thus making her unjustly appear to be a senile old woman.
• The “No, I’m Spartacus” Award for selfish ‘selfless’ premature self-promotion in a sedated swarm of apathy: The woman in a green dress who rose to attempt to provoke a standing ovation for Richard Curtis, but who failed utterly.
• The forlorn sailors “Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink” Award for being set adrift on an ocean of tedium: Richard Curtis’ acceptance speech for his entry into the fellowship that traced his career from comedy innovator in Blackadder to imperialist poodle with Four Weddings And A Funeral and Notting Hill.