The Catherine Tate Christmas Show, BBC2

by | Dec 20, 2005 | All, Reviews


• Granny Taylor is watching A Touch Of Frost. “Del Boy, he’s got a moustache and become a policeman. Wears a little pork pie hat and a macintosh.”

• The non-gay Derek is shocked by panto director Ursula (Una Stubbs – hooray). First she forgets to tell him he’s in the cast. “I think you’ll find I always take a fairly large part,” he pointed out. It was an oversight; he was to be the Christmas Fairy. “I beg pardon! What on Earth are you insinuating? How very dare you. I’ve never been so insulted. Just because a man shapes his eyebrows and likes a bit of Shirley Bassey, you accuse him of parking his bike up the dirt track. How very dare you!” He stormed off – taking Leonard (Baron Hardon) with him.

• Lauren Cooper auditions for Fame Academy’s Richard Park along with Lisa Jackson and Ryan Perkins as The Flygirl Collective. But he’s unimpressed by their version of Shut Up and tells Lauren: “You’re a disgrace to singing, music and this school.” After a (too short) pause, she comes back with: “Am I bovvered? Are you Simon Cowell? You ain’t even Simon Cowell. Do you like Patrick Kielty? Do you like Patrick Kielty? Are you Patrick Kielty’s bitch? I’m a Pop Idol. Do you manage Will Young? Who’s Alex Parks? Fame Academy – rubbish! I aint bovvered.”

• Timid Margaret screams her head off every time the Christmas tree lights flash. Later, her husband screams when he discovers she is bald.

• The moaning northerners aren’t happy about the curry and plantain they had at Taste Of The Caribbean in the food court at the Prospect Centre. “You’ll never guess what was in the curry? What meat they used. Goat! They’ve made a curry with goat. Dirty bastards. Goat curry and friend bananas. This is in Cleethorpes. I was looking for Jeremy Beadle.” They don’t like haggis, either.

• Granny Taylor goes with grandson Jamie to an old people’s Christmas meal, being very cheery with her friends before telling Jamie. “Don’t they f**king stink?”. She’s also unhappy about a man with a hook for a hand. “He’s making me bilious. I shouldn’t have to look at that. It’s Christmas, not f**king Halloween.” Then she meets celebrity guest Charlotte Church. “I remember when you were a little girl and used to sing all those opera songs. Everytime I see you in those magazines, you’re as pissed as assholes. Charlotte Church – voice of an angel, liver of a wino.” When Charlotte sings, Granny interrupts and launches a Chas’n’ Dave knees-up instead.

• The croupier is hypnotised by the roulette wheel.

• Randy nurse Bernie bites the hand of Mrs Jacobs to stop her pushing the panic button, shoves her in the corridor and eats her deep-filled mince pies. Then a young nurse (a female called Arthur) tries to seduce her. “I’ve got nothing against the old muff munchers,” she says. “I like a bit of Patsy Cline but that’s as far as I go.” But they get caught by the sister, leaving Bernie to protest: “You’re not lumping me in the same category as those mad fanny bashers. I like a bit of cock.”

• The Amanda Burtonish cop pays a passer-by £400 for an address, thinking he’s an informer, and then sings Shaddap Your Face to underling Whittaker.


• Ali embarrasses herself at a Christmas party by thinking a man with a curly mop is wearing a hat.

• The laughing Essex couple laugh about a Secret Santa mix-up. The sketch was partially redeemed by the appearance of their identical kids.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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