The Award winners Award: All of the award winners were truly remarkable people who had performed truly remarkable feats, it’s just a shame they had to share their joy with such a squirming roomful of human parasites – with the honourable exceptions of Gary Lineker, Stephen Fry, JK Rowling and Ewan McGregor and one or two others who at least have some altruistic motive for appearing other than to promote their new single or climb like a living turd out of the sewer of obscurity back into the public consciousness.
The It’s Mick F***ing Hucknall Award: Mick Hucknall
The If the Blue Peter editor can be sacked (“sacked” not “fired”) for changing the name of a cat, then this crime is punishable by live burial Award: Noel Edmonds ‘surprising’ the winner of Neighbour of the Year by turning up on her doorstep despite the fact that she had earlier given a recorded interview to accompany the film celebrating her award. And we’re also suspicious about that throng of children gaily leaping about on the lawn near to Noel’s helicopter.
The Less a mouth more a pursing pair of snogging slugs Award: Jamie Oliver.
The ITV1 Manhunt Award for the most laughably inept and scaremongering re-construction of a harrowing crime Award: The film to illustrate how young Robert bravely held a door shut while a maniac tried to hack his way through with a meat cleaver. Everything was appallingly crass – from the close-up of the bloodstained meat cleaver gleaming in the moonlight to the moment when the maniac is hacking through the door and your waiting for him to do a Jack Nicholson in The Shining, and it was topped off by being narrated by a woman with a voice so inexpressive it sounded as if it recently made a failed suicide attempt by taking an overdose of botox.
The It’s Mick Sodding Hucknall Award: Mick Hucknall
The Brian Blessed Award for being determine to talk or laugh louder than anybody else even if it is God handing down the Ten Commandments to Moses: Carol Voderman who always timed her shrill laugh to crescendo above any interlopers on her stage.
The Less cultural relevance than David Gest having an episode of Hollyoaks tat-tooed on his sallow skin in hieroglyphs while showering in the liquefied remains of Peter Andre Award: Kelly Brook.
The Least dignified trawl through an audience since the last Jeremy Kyle Show: Carol Vorderman’s excruciating odyssey in which she feigned to be surprised by the people in the audience and greeted them ‘as a friend’ yet did so by using their full name making her seem as insincere as the atoms that jangle gleefully about the jaundiced cerebrum of Louis Walsh. “Hello Louise and Jamie Redknapp, hello Rachel Stevens!”
The Christ on a bike eroding his testicles to swinging slabs of infertile gristle through saddle sore it’s Mick Buggering Hucknall Award: Mick Hucknall.
The “And here with their new single it’s All Saints” Award for callous opportun-ism: The Sugababes, or rather the management of the Sugababes who cynically ensured their vacuous cash cows could present an award and express rudimentary human emotion at a time when they are riding high in the charts.
Less substance than Lot after she’d been turned into a pillar of salt Award: Tim Vincent.
The Do you think anyone will miss her if we spirit her away and bury her alive in Billy Zane’s heels Award: Dr Gillian McKeith.
The “Wait, wait, wait! We don’t have to despoil verdant lush countryside with ugly new housing yet, not while we haven’t yet exploited the acres of unused space inside the cranium of Jamie Redknapp” Award: Jamie Redknapp.
The Chop off my fingers with David Walliams’ overbite Award It’s Mick Pricking Hucknall: Mick Hucknall.
The Slightly nervous BBC reporter Award for patronising Scotland beyond the call of duty by attributing Scots with similar racial stereotypes that 18th century plantation owners reserved for their slaves: The lads who courageously thwarted the terror attack on Glasgow airport taking to the stage in kilts in a procession so mind-numbingly predictable it could only have been arranged by ITV1 or the Daily Mirror.
The That puddle of human slobbery couldn’t be more polluted if Satan used it as a sulphur pissing pot Award: Gordon Brown.
The You think we’ve forgotten about what you did, how you sullied the charts from the mid-80s like a aural Chernobyl how you reduced the population into accepting your asinine coffee table tunes metamorphosing the minds of once-proud adults into a docile, jellied mush Award: Mick Hucknall.
The Cast of Hollyoaks Award for Obsolescence at an awards ceremony: The chairs, which were rarely used as everyone got a standing ovation. Nothing wrong with that in itself but by the end there appeared to be an unseemly race to see who could clamber to their feet the quickest and then break into the biggest surgically stifled smile.
The Nuremburg Trials Award for perpetrating crimes against British society and for being Mick Tossing Hucknall: Vinnie Jones.