The European Music Awards 2007, MTV

by | Nov 1, 2007 | All, Reviews

The Commandments of MTV

Thou shall value the clothes of your fellow man as defining their entire soul no matter if you are 46-year-old has-beens who should know better. Trevor Nelson: “What are you wearing, dude? I’m feeling it!”

Thou shall express words, feelings and sentiments using a vocabulary that a Heat-reading ant would find restrictive, and in so doing constrict the ability of your audience to think beyond similarly confining boundaries. Orson: “This year’s EMAs – it’s going to be awesome!”

Thou shall perpetuate with doleful metronomic prowess national stereotypes to foster equal stupidity in those who idolise you. Franz Ferdinand: “Very good crowds in Germany. Lots of rhythmic clapping.”

Thou shall treat the sanctity of marriage as an opportunity to showcase your sickeningly, undeserved wealth in celebrity celebrity style magazines, while at the same time employing it as a device that ‘proves’ you are capable of emotions more profound than that of a dead cat being devoured by maggots. Avril Lavigne: “Yeah, I’ve been married for over a year now. It’s pretty cool!”

Thou shall be suckered into believing that diamonds are the epitome of human ambition rather than just a pretty little rock that rich people wear to rub poverty in the faces of every one else not privileged or wealthy enough to be adorned with such stones. Mika: “This diamond isn’t mine. It’s insured for some astronomical amount of money, but I thought ‘why not?’”

Thou shall treat language as something to be mutilated, pillaged and raped like a Viking tugging his axe from the corpse of a dead captive virgin. Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls: “Woooh! Wassupp everybody!”

Thou shall repeat the world ‘cool’ an infinite number of times until your audience observes it as something to aspire to rather than just being a subtle command from MTV and its ‘partners’ to act in a certain way, buy certain products, talk in a certain way and truly believe you are an individual. Trevor Nelson: “Snoop’s the coolest cat from LA.” Shaggy: “Snoop’s the coolest artist on the face of the Earth, period.”

Thou shall reject all descriptive words from your personal lexicon, callously replacing them with sponsored, corporate depictions to hopefully one day metamorphose the English language into a miasma of brand names. Trevor Nelson: “My jacket’s Christian Dior.”

Thou shall speak about clothes in an esoteric, nonsensical, insipid argot and look scornfully askance at anybody who fails to understand your glib gibberish. Matthew Williamson: “It was a car crash of ideas – not working on any level.”

Thou shall not take a single atom of responsibility for making unutterably shit music. Craig David: “It’s been too long. You feel like there’s a lull before the storm. Record companies subconsciously influence you to make you do things you don’t want to.”

Thou shall be astounded by juvenile selfish mediocre outbursts and forever label them as shocking acts of debauchery. Trevor Nelson on Kanye West’s tiresome demand that he should have won the 2006 EMA for best video: “Outrageous behaviour from Kanye West! But it’s all rock and roll, isn’t it?”

Thou shall speak in an accent which would enable you to hob-nob at the Badminton Horse Trials but use slang that you hope will make you sound as if you are the spawn of a broken home from Staten Island. Swiss racing driver Louis Hamilton XVI: “If Rihanna or Jay-Z are here, that’ll be sick!”

Thou shall herald the coming of icons with their most famous signature tunes, even if said signatures were released before many of the audience could walk. Snoop Dogg being profiled with the superb Gin And Juice before meandering along the path to self-parody littered with the rusting wrecks of all his solo output since the mid-90s.

Thou shall be proud that one of the finest media of human creativity is sullied to a format that alerts you that someone you know wants to engage in utterly futile conversation with you. Nelly Furtado: “I’ve heard my songs played on elderly people’s cell phones.”

Thou shall distil the concept of ‘love’ from being the zenith of human emotion to a platitude tossed out of the mouth with all the disdain of expelling a sweet wrapper out of a car window to satiate the need for the audience to feel they have received something from a production-line artist. Nelly Furtado: “I love Europe. I love you very much. I love you!”

Thou shall bring your transatlantic arrogance all the way from Los Angeles to Munich spouting ignorance of anything that isn’t circulated like poison through the veins of MTV. Snoop Dogg for getting the Best New Band nominees Bedwetters and Firma mixed up; but as each sounded like a corpse’s facial flesh cracking, crumbling and decaying it was an easy mistake to make.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

01/11/2007

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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