The Great British Pop Test, ITV1

by | Nov 13, 2004 | All, Reviews

• How many snakes were writhing in the hirsute sea of Dane Bowers’ chest, primed to strike at passing fishing vessels? Nine.

• How many chambers of our revolver did we load for a spontaneous game of Russian Roulette at the prospect of live performances from Bryan Adams and Status Quo? All six.

• How many hours would it take to weld the wedge-shaped Dr Fox into a belt buckle to hold in Dane Bowers’ burgeoning girth? Only an hour or so, once all the extraneous fat has been stripped away at a Belfast shipyard.

• How small should the padded cell be to enclose the Abba fan who lamely de-clared her fidelity to her idols through a tattoo? Three feet squared.

• How many questions were “inspired” by Never Mind The Buzzcocks? One, to distunguish Tina ‘I Love To Love’ Charles from a line-up.

• With how much disdain was Tina Charles tossed aside like a foetus after an abortion? Complete and utter.

• How many bites were taken from the rancid corpse of Ozzy Osbourne, whose incessant appearances on trashy pop music shows mean he is now little more than a slab of dumb meat hanging in a vermin infested cellar? 34,000.

• The number of World War One battles that could have been accurately re-enacted on Rick Parfitt’s trench-ridden face? Four.

• How many volcanoes could you cap with the thick, crusty skin of Francis Rossi? Nine.

• How many global conflicts have been started over lesser reasons than the needless, vapid antagonism that Dr Fox and Gabby Logan stoked up between the men and women? 93.

• The number of crimes against humanity perpetrated by Elvis Presley. At least one – the responsibility for Cliff Richard “being here”.

• How long would Gabby Logan have survived as an undercover MI5 agent in Northern Ireland after showing off her Irish accent? She’d be digging her own grave at gunpoint before sunset on her first day.

• How much skin did we flagellate from our own backs in penance after scoring five out of five in the Status Quo round? Enough to wallpaper Buckingham Palace.

• The number of letters of complaint our major organs wrote to the Royal Society for the Protection of Abused Organs after being forced to watch the horrific Wannabe video again after eight years? 19, our colon jumped ship to the throat of Simon Cowell; our liver petitioned to be transplanted into the less abusive environment of George Best’s abdomen; our heart offered itself to the highest bidder from any of the X-Factor contestants; and our kidneys applied for the job of draining the sweat from Vanessa Feltz’s thong.

• What percentage of Britain’s paedophiles present in the male side of the audience blew their cover when lewdly cheering the sight of Britney Spears dressed as a schoolgirl? 87%.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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