The Match, Sky One

by | Oct 9, 2005 | All, Reviews


• The growing anticipation in the build-up to the match that the Legends could lose.

• Newcastle manager Graeme Souness getting jeered by the St James’s Park crowd, while ex-boss Bobby Robson was cheered.

• Legends captain Peter Reid swearing at the coin toss, and then being booed each time he touched the ball by fans who remember his time as Sunderland manager.

• The number of crippling tackles. Peter Reid flattened Harvey, Robbie Williams’ friend Jonathan Wilkes responded by clattering Reid. Robbie Williams’ friend Wilkes then bled profusely after a clash of heads before the irascible Nigel Winterburn and Philip

Olivier squared up, provoking commentator Alan Parry to quip that Winterburn shouldn’t annoy the in-no-way-typecast Olivier as he used to play Tinhead in Brookside. And then Reid kicked Robbie Williams’ friend Wilkes up in the air.

• The match was pretty entertaining, if a little slow-paced. Winterburn stabbed the Legends in front after four minutes, but the Celebrities were in charge afterwards with Neville Southall making a fantastic save from the quite decent AnTHony Hutton.

• After a flurry of opportnities at the start of the second half, the Legends brought on their fitter players such as Gary McAllister, Dean Saunder and Ally McCoist and from then on dominated and their superiority was capped by McCoist nodding home a David

Batty cross to put them 2-0 up. Darren Campbell missed an undeserved late penalty, but 2-0 was a fair scoreline.

• The brilliant Andy Gray was co-commentator, who, unsurprisingly, before the game predicted that while the Celebrities might have more chances, the deadly finishing of the Legends would decide the game. And he was spot on.

• Alan Shearer collapsing into uncontrollable hilarity after his Newcastle coach Dean Saunders pulled up lame with a hamstring injury chasing a through ball.

• Nigel Winterburn scything down both Ben Shephard and Philip Olivier with one tackle.

• Kenny Dalglish’s sly dig at Robbie Williams’ friend Jonathan Wilkes, which summed up the professionals’ scorn for the celebrities, “At 28 years of age he should be able to kick with both feet.”

• After Harvey had palmed a corner on to the post, Legends right-back Warren Barton, unaware of the ref’s whistle, haplessly sliced the rebound into his own goal. If it had been allowed, it would have been one of the five funniest own goals in British football


• Matt Le Tissier’s nose being broken by Harvey’s header.

• Graham Taylor’s rather too graphic description of Ralf Little’s injury. “It’s opened up his thigh.”

• British 400m record holder Iwan Thomas aimlessly bounding around the pitch like an albino gazelle evading a pride of hunting lions.


• The placard a fan was holding up, “John Barnes is the best”, which seems to have arrived via time warp from 1989. Lie the John Barnes of today on his back and even the highest-humped camel would cast an envious glance towards him.

• Mark Durden-Smith calling Zoë Ball “The Ball”.

• Just who is “celebrity” Chris Fountain?

• Cheerleaders, the worst 20th century American import after warmongering.

• Mark Durden-Smith calling the kick-off “too exciting for words”.

• The messed-up interview with John Barnes as he warmed-up on the pitch. “All I can hear is ‘boom, boom, boom’,” the lardy Legend moaned.

• The sly Sky Sports trick of having an ad break coinciding with the appointed kick-off time.

• During the pitch-side interviews with Graham Taylor and Bobby Robson, the director switched to the interview and away from the game.

• Wingers John Barnes and Matt Le Tissier playing like a pair of oblivious cattle enjoying an evening’s grazing, whilst languidly thinking of being slaughtered for pigswill tomorrow.

• The technical problems at half-time, which left the pictures and sound hopelessly out of time.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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