The Match, Sky One

by | Oct 10, 2004 | All, Reviews

• Number of football clichés: 19

• Length of time Ulrika Jonsson required to act like Steve Rider aimlessly filling time as the Celebrity Team drove their coach to the stadium: Eight minutes

• Chance of Steve Rider being Sven “Adonis” Eriksson’s next conquest: 13 per cent

• Number of ugly celebrities screamed at by teenage fans until they realised the hideousness of the subject of their indiscriminate affection: Two (Terry Alderton, Rocky Marshall)

• Number of names Bobby Robson forgot: One (Him, the number 10, there)

• Most typical midfield hardman quote: “He (Darren Campbell) can’t run without legs” – Bryan Robson

• How many former pros hope the thick mists of time would shroud the fact they aren’t a Legend? Four (Rob Lee, Ray Houghton, Peter Bonnetti and Philippe Albert)

• The Matt Le Tissier Award for Fattest Footballer: 1. Mark Bosnich, 2. Matt Le Tissier, 3. Philippe Albert

• Number of times that Celebrities boss Graham Taylor was called the only England manager in history never to win a match at a major championship: None

• Most pointless five minutes: The cheerleaders

• Number of years since Mark Bosnich won a World Club Championship medal: Just five

• How many times was a bleeper used to cut swearing during the “live” coverage? Five

• How many Legends surrounded awful referee Jeff Winter when he failed to give a free kick after Ben Shepard brought down Rob Lee, when, if he had done so, the GMTV presenter would have to have gone for an early bath? Five

• The Bryan Robson Award for injury: Mark Bosnich, who lasted about 20 minutes

• Number of crunching tackles by the Legends: Nine (Nigel Winterburn, five; Bryan Robson, four)

• How many Sky One shows were awkwardly trailed during the game? Two (Hex and Dream Team)

• Number of decent Celebrity players: Four (Ralf Little, MC Harvey, Jonathan Wilkes and Darren Campbell)

• Number of tries Gazza needed to score from the halfway line in the half-time entertainment: Three, and the third was only stuck in by Jimmy Five Bellies from two yards.

• How late was Bryan Robson’s tackle on Ben Shephard? About half-an-hour

• Number of near fights: Two (Ian Wright and MC Harvey, and Ian Wright and Alec Stewart)

• What speed did the Legends play at? Slow motion replay

• Number of Legends who tried to kick MC Harvey: Four; Number who failed through complete lack of pace: Four

• Number of streakers: Two

• Number of seconds remaining when Ally McCoist scored the winner: 35

• On how many occasions was Jonathan Wilkes referred to by his stage name of “Robbie Williams’ Best Friend”? Once

• What percentage of the crowd loved/hated Gary Lucy? 50/50, drawn strictly along lines of those who were teenage girls and those who weren’t

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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