• Number of football clichés: 19

• Length of time Ulrika Jonsson required to act like Steve Rider aimlessly filling time as the Celebrity Team drove their coach to the stadium: Eight minutes

• Chance of Steve Rider being Sven “Adonis” Eriksson’s next conquest: 13 per cent

• Number of ugly celebrities screamed at by teenage fans until they realised the hideousness of the subject of their indiscriminate affection: Two (Terry Alderton, Rocky Marshall)

• Number of names Bobby Robson forgot: One (Him, the number 10, there)

• Most typical midfield hardman quote: “He (Darren Campbell) can’t run without legs” – Bryan Robson

• How many former pros hope the thick mists of time would shroud the fact they aren’t a Legend? Four (Rob Lee, Ray Houghton, Peter Bonnetti and Philippe Albert)

• The Matt Le Tissier Award for Fattest Footballer: 1. Mark Bosnich, 2. Matt Le Tissier, 3. Philippe Albert

• Number of times that Celebrities boss Graham Taylor was called the only England manager in history never to win a match at a major championship: None

• Most pointless five minutes: The cheerleaders

• Number of years since Mark Bosnich won a World Club Championship medal: Just five

• How many times was a bleeper used to cut swearing during the “live” coverage? Five

• How many Legends surrounded awful referee Jeff Winter when he failed to give a free kick after Ben Shepard brought down Rob Lee, when, if he had done so, the GMTV presenter would have to have gone for an early bath? Five

• The Bryan Robson Award for injury: Mark Bosnich, who lasted about 20 minutes

• Number of crunching tackles by the Legends: Nine (Nigel Winterburn, five; Bryan Robson, four)

• How many Sky One shows were awkwardly trailed during the game? Two (Hex and Dream Team)

• Number of decent Celebrity players: Four (Ralf Little, MC Harvey, Jonathan Wilkes and Darren Campbell)

• Number of tries Gazza needed to score from the halfway line in the half-time entertainment: Three, and the third was only stuck in by Jimmy Five Bellies from two yards.

• How late was Bryan Robson’s tackle on Ben Shephard? About half-an-hour

• Number of near fights: Two (Ian Wright and MC Harvey, and Ian Wright and Alec Stewart)

• What speed did the Legends play at? Slow motion replay

• Number of Legends who tried to kick MC Harvey: Four; Number who failed through complete lack of pace: Four

• Number of streakers: Two

• Number of seconds remaining when Ally McCoist scored the winner: 35

• On how many occasions was Jonathan Wilkes referred to by his stage name of “Robbie Williams’ Best Friend”? Once

• What percentage of the crowd loved/hated Gary Lucy? 50/50, drawn strictly along lines of those who were teenage girls and those who weren’t