The preliminary “Celebrities” squad for their match with the Legends. Here are profiles of some of the 70 (no, we’re not sure how they got that many) who turned up for trials.
AnTHony Hutton. Won Big Brother once. About to be scrubbed clean from the cultural history of Great Britain by the natural passing of time. Impressed Graham Taylor with his goals in the practice match, impressed us with his bottle to still turn up for a team of celebrities, but given some of the others’ claims maybe he has a point…
Ralf Little. Our Ralf has made the successful transition from promising actor to celebrity desperado, willing to turn up for anything that showcases his cheeky-chappy persona. Was suffering from bruised ribs that made it hard to breathe in the same way a volcano gets heartburn when the magma pushes up through the Earth’s crust.
Mark Bosnich. Ex-professional, or rather he got paid for playing football; Alex Ferguson might not have agreed with the ‘professional’ bit. Now selflessly travels around the country scooping fatty flesh from the lazy people of the UK and pasting it o nto his face.
MC Harvey. Harvey was once a member of the So Solid Crew before they splintered and became the second most parasitical entity on British TV after the cast members of Hollyoaks.
Leo. Was captioned as ‘Leo from Love Island’ which makes him really naff. Could have been captioned ‘Leo from The Streets’ which would have made him sound a little less naff.
Philip Olivier. The ex-Brookside star is now doing some proper acting again in Hollyoaks: In The City so maybe he’ll be able to quit the travelling circus of reality TV, a bandwagon he’s been hanging on to like a child with its tongue frozen to the side of an iceberg.
Peter Duncan. Managed to score an own goal in the trial match and was sent home with the same sorrow as notifications of death were posted in the Napoleonic Wars.
Brian McFadden. The Pol Pot of British music was annoyingly good, but, hey let’s look on the bright side; each moment he is playing football, he isn’t making a record.
Mikey from Big Brother. Confessed to have been gutted that he didn’t make the cut for the squad. That’s gutted as in disappointed rather than hauled aboard a Japanese fishing vessel before having his innards sliced and diced before being sent off to satiate the immoral palates of Tokyo diners.
Timmy Mallett. No, we don’t know what he was doing there either as he was as out of place as sincerity in the pickled features of Louis Walsh. Comfortably the worst player to turn up, he did little other than hit a shot wide in the practice match and act as court jester.
Kenzie. Hung around the fringes of things like one of those rats you see idly nibbling away at the raw effluence in the sewers.
Jeff Brazier. The most talented footballer in the celebrity squad, and he also won the Bleep test (essentially, run until you drop).
Andy Scott-Lee. Mankind has invented telescopes that can peer into the birth clouds of stars billions of light years from Earth but cannot invent a microscope that pick out Andy Scott-Lee’s talent.
Kevin Adams. Did the dance classes on Fame Academy. Still has eyes big enough to tempt polar bears to set up camp in the hope of a juicy beluga whale emerging from them.
Chucky Venice. Not, we can confirm, the latest instalment of Child’s Play, although a plastic doll could probably play football better than him.
Craig Kelly. Brother of Dean Lennox and a decent centre-forward who scored a hat-trick in the trial match.
Nick Pickard. Just as the misery caused by bird flu subsided when the new outbreaks receded, so the British public enjoyed a similar cautious joy when Nick was revealed to be the only Hollyoaks cast member present. Although we imagine that the rest of the teeming horde were only held by specially fortified electric fences.
Kevin Simm. Turned up drunk and played like a knuckle being smashed over and over again by a rusty hammer.
Johnny Shentall. The Hear’Say superstar was cruelly given the chop by Graham Taylor. But we’re sure that the bosses at Sky will have a word with the ex-England manager to ensure that the biggest celebrity to turn up for the trials will be reinstated to ensure global media interest.
Michael Greco. Each time we see him, he seems to be a little squarer as though if this acting lark doesn’t work out he’s going to jack it all in and become a window on Play School.
Chris Hollins. He’s that chirpy-voiced presenter who does the sport on the BBC’s Breakfast, and he’s the son of ex-Chelsea player John Hollins. Takes after his mother.
Johnny Pitts. The band who continued to play as the Titanic sank beneath the waves is remembered with fondness and admiration. Johnny deserves similar plaudits as he presented CD:UK as it careered inexorably into the black hole of ITV1’s stricken scheduling panic. Rubbish goalie, mind.
Andy Collins. Short, fat bloke who was probably invited back this year on the basis that his celebrity status that is founded on his exploits last year when he conked out of the Bleep test and wept with shame.
Ben Adams. The ex-A1 star still looks good but is D- as a footballer.
Robbie Gee, Strider, Tamar Hassan, Scott Robinson, John Hendy, Archie Kelly, Dan Hipgrave, Neutrino. The Tomb of the Unknown Warrior is a proud monument dedicated to the memory of those brave soldiers who fell in combat but who were never identified. Perhaps someday a parallel memorial will be built to you – The Tomb of the Dubious Celebrity, people who we’ve never heard of but who were vanquished as they strove to scale the great mountain of celebrity with only the scarcest of talent with which to succeed. For your bravery in the face of insurmountable odds, we salute you.