The Oscars 2005, Sky One

by | Feb 28, 2005 | All, Reviews

Dedications they forgot to make at the Oscars:

• Chris Rock forgot to thank the mediaeval blacksmiths who developed a machine to blunt offensive weapons so they are only useful for harmless sparring that enabled him to open with a bland routine rather than the sharp gags we’re used to.

• The middle aged actresses neglected to express gratitude for their thin immovable smiles to the ancient Nazca lines that were the inspiration for their rigid permanent grins.

• Renee Zellwegger didn’t thank the removal men who mechanically transplanted the words as she read the lame script while presenting the Best Supporting Actor Oscar from her larynx to the outside world.

• Thomas Hayden Church forgot to pay his respects to the drama teacher who had coached him to nod with exaggerated vicarious joy at Morgan Freeman’s triumph to mask his own disappointment.

• The Oscar organising committee neglected to acknowledge the Nazi policy of ghettoising those whom they didn’t wish to taint the glossy purity of the ceremony by corralling the Best Make Up winners into a distant aisle, where the limp microphone stand was the rusty fence through which they peered into the forbidden, glamorous world beyond.

• Insignificant Oscar-winner Bill Caso didn’t thank the Maximilien Robespierre whose popular use of the guillotine inspired the decapitation of his acceptance speech with a blast of loud music.

• Scarlett Johansson didn’t acknowledge the strict practises used in Guantanamo Bay to keep suspected terrorists from destabilising America with acts of violence, which were similarly used to isolate the technical awards to a separate ceremony to prevent the Oscars being destabilised with unglamorous non-celebrity tedium.

• The Best Documentary nominees didn’t bother to show gratitude to the sepia tinged World War One photographs of British firing squads for deserters that so obviously inspired their stern line up on the stage as they waited for the an-nouncement of the winner.

• The lead singer of Counting Crows didn’t thank New York State for introducing the Electric Chair into popular culture that he had been taking a ride in judging by his jaggedly erect hairstyle; and the chair was also needed to stimulate anyone listening to their soporific dirge that fell into a deep coma.

• Beyoncé Knowles was not observed paying homage to the cunning anglers who first lured fish onto their sharp hooks with squirming maggots in the same way as grunting males were lured into the trap of listening to the insufferably dull nominations for best song because it was Beyonce singing.

• Andrea ‘Motormouth’ Arnold, the British winner of the short film category, wasn’t seen thanking George Washington for leading America to independence and thus ultimately creating a distance in language that meant her guests didn’t understand the phrase “dog’s bollocks”, else she would probably have been shot dead by one of the many puritan snipers, who for the most part had their sights trained on Chris Rock.

• The nominees for Live Animated Short and Short Film didn’t show appreciation for the way the earth keeps the unexciting moon in a distant orbit from its thrilling atmosphere of love and life, as they were kept from the allure of the main stage by a similar distance for being too dull to waste precious time on.

• The audience didn’t dedicate any gratefulness to the vacillations of the gusting wind that inspired their fluctuating applause during the In Memoriam section where Marlon Brando and Christopher Reeve were greeted with raging tempests of clapping while writer Nelson Gidding received but a barely audible waft of appreciation.

• Hillary Swank didn’t express any debt to the World War One soldiers trapped choking in a surprise gas attack that evidently inspired her breathless acceptance speech.

• The set directors of the Oscars failed to show appreciation towards the Spanish Inquisition whose policy of burning heretics at the stake was the obvious inspiration for the twirling pillar of giant humanoid Oscar statuettes at the back of the stage.

• Don Cheadle, Leonardo Di Caprio and Johnny Depp were bereft of thanks for the drama of the start of the 100m Olympic Final that inspired their race to be the first to furiously applaud winner Jamie Foxx, while Clint Eastwood must have thought it was a false start.

• The organisers failed to acknowledge the inspiration for the manner in which Mars was once stripped of all its water in the same way as the nominees forced to line up on stage for the mid-ranking Oscars were stripped of their dignity.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

28/02/2005

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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