The Royal Variety Performance 2006, BBC1

by | Dec 12, 2006 | All, Reviews

• How long did it take Prince Charles to sew together with his rancid regal tongue the narrow corporate wound of honorary guests, such as BBC Controller Lorraine Heggessy, who were standing knee deep in their own oozing obsequious ichor? Three minutes.

• What was the length of time it took Natasha Kaplinsky to modulate her brash studied newsreading voice to a softer tone of the people for interviews? A two week trek across the harsh desert of insincerity.

• How long after the appearance of Shane Richie was it before the bile in our stomachs disgustedly stormed out of digesting our food and painfully marched along our intestines like a juvenile dragging a spike along a posh car door in a fit of jealousy? Nine seconds.

• If it were true that Brian McFadden and the blameless Delta Goodrem were truly “a match made in Heaven”, by what percentage would the crime rate rise among the terminally ill as they strove to secure a berth in Satan’s grotto instead? 149 per cent.

• If the space programme had relied on Brian McFadden’s high notes to enable life off, to what point in the altitude would mankind have soared? About 20 metres above sea level.

• How many allusions to buggery were there before 9pm? Three.

• How many musical fantasies were almost fulfilled? One, when Girls Aloud came on stage and sat in what looked like electric chairs while the distinct hum of a pulsing current emanated through the auditorium.

• After we were told that Josh Trobin had “worked with The Corrs, Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand”, what did we hope his job was? An assassin.

• How many delusional singers were there? Just Lemar, who claimed he was “the luckiest man in the building” perhaps oblivious that sat just 15 metres away was a man who owns Cornwall simply through an accident of birth.

• If life on Earth had begun in Liza Minelli’s eyes instead of the oceans, how much longer would it have taken to evolve into humanity? Never. Life in such dead places is impossible and the Earth would singularly be remarkable for two vast lifeless eyes forever staring into the celestial heavens.

• For how long did Elton John’s right eyebrow struggle violently and animatedly against the aural torture of one of his songs before accepting it would become another colony missing hair to follow that which was “disappeared” off his scalp some 30 years before as part of the purges carried out by his military junta of a face and replaced by the current compliant, acquiescent locks? Two minutes.

• Who were the best performers? 1. Dara O’Briain 2. Jimmy Carr.

• How quickly did Graham Norton remove his hand after it unconsciously wandered onto the hallowed shoulder of Elton John? As fast as if he had just accidentally fondled a putrefying dog.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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