The Weakest Link: Reality TV Special, BBC1

by | Apr 8, 2006 | All, Reviews

Anne Robinson: “We’ll start with the Weakest Link.”

“Jade Goody, who is the reality TV ‘star’ who has bled dry the bank accounts of thousands of overweight, insecure women through her propagation of her ‘miracle’ exercise video, and her promotion of the fatuous ideal that stupidity is a virtue to becoming famous?”

Jade: “36!”

“Wrong. Jasmine Leonard, who is the supercilious irrelevance who has recently become the epitome of the way in which talentless non-entities can ascend through the celebrity hierarchy with the same rapidity and transience as the bubbles on the ocean surface from a drowning sailor’s last breath?”

Jasmine: “James Blunt?”

“Wrong. Danniella Westbrook, who is the actress who long ago forsook any ideas of thespian excellence, and instead has devoted her life to a miasmic indulgence of reality TV shows and cosmetic enhancement?”

Danniella: “Rebecca Loos?”

“Wrong. Martin Offiah, who is the esteemed former rugby player who has aban-doned all sense of majesty and admiration accrued during his sporting career to crawl all over the worst shows on television like weeping impetigo?”

Martin “Jeremy Guscott?”

“Wrong. John McCririck, who is the gambling obsessed oaf who is so obese he could be sprayed mahogany, chopped up and made into a grand piano which could have adorned the ballroom on the Titanic; only if he had been on board in any guise the vessel would have sunk long before colliding with the iceberg?”

John: “Fyodor Dostoyevsky?”

“Wrong. Stan Collymore, who is the ex-footballer who squirted away his talent like with the same profligacy as children squirt water at one another from squeezy bottles on hot summer days and now resides in a dungeon deep below the world emerging only to peer into cars at courting couples and bore the world into a slumber with his anecdotes about how all his miscreant actions should be excused because he’s ‘only human’ and ‘everybody makes mistakes’?”

Stan: “Garrincha?”

“Wrong. Jessica From Liberty X, who is the singer who is viewed by the pop picking public as one of those doomed lesser characters from epic war dramas who is killed off in the first few scenes but not before, while choking up blood, recounting some memory which the protagonist holds onto to drive them determinedly through the rest of the adventure?”

Jessica: “Sonia?”

“Wrong. Rowetta Ex-Happy Mondays, who is the admittedly fine vocalist who once sang with a decent band, who was the only member of the finalists in the X-Factor to retain her dignity but has since, perhaps through the vindictive machinations of her record company, been forced to exaggerate her bitterness towards the show and Simon Cowell in order to promote her new album lest everyone has forgotten who she is?”

Rowetta: “Sharon Osbourne?”

“Wrong. Well team, with your appearance on the Weakest Link all of you have failed to scale any more height as you try to reach the top of the Celebrity Mountain. But don’t worry, there’ll be plenty more shows as whore-like for ratings as this one who’ll hire anything so long as it’s been on TV before.”

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

08/04/2006

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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