Did we like it?

Stars? STARS!!!!??? None of these nonentities are stars and we have no desire to watch them when far more entertaining nonentities are available on Channel 4 – and we don’t even have to listen to them doing covers of crappy old songs or listen to the loathsome Sharon Osbourne or Louis Walsh. Indeed, the only thing in favour of ITV’s reality show is that Kate Thornton is slightly less irritating than Davina McCall.

What was good about it?

• The version of Put Your Records On by Lucy Benjamin (famous for once being in EastEnders and the tabloids) was reasonably accomplished, and rugby union star/overgrown schoolboy Matt Stevens didn’t make too much of a mess of Mack The Knife.

• The catfight between childish Sharon Osbourne, the squeaky, self-styled “mummy” of the show, and rat-faced Rebecca Loos (famous for having a dick inside her once). Best quote: “Try doing tomorrow’s performance with your knickers on. It would help warm up your voice.”

• Chris Moyles showed a sliver of humility. Maybe the Radio 1 breakfast show oaf may be human after all.

What was bad about it?

• The elimination of Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee after they gave Robbie’s Let Me Entertain You the grotesque spin that it deserves.

• The sheer desperation of Rebecca Loos and James Hewitt. It was pathetic to see two adults reduced to such humiliation. Get a proper job, you failures!

• We hate celebrity chefs (aside from Jamie, Gordon and Gino) and hate Aldo Zilli, Paul Rankin, Ross Burden and Jean-Christophe Novelli even more after their Uptown Girl atrocity

• Tarty, tiresome youngsters Michelle Marsh and Nikki Sanderson

• The failure to eliminate Gillian McKeith, a woman who is so ugly that she could be mistaken as the youngster sister of Big Brother housemates Nikki.

• The ingratiating judgements, even from Simon Cowell who doesn’t mind laying into timid, talentless teens but pulled his punches when giving his verdict on the “stars”.

• Kate Thornton’s frumpy dress and anodyne performance as presenter