The X-Factor Final, ITV1

by | Dec 11, 2004 | All, Reviews

• How many bloodherders did G4 require to keep the blood a good distance from their hearts to ensure another succession of passionless performances? 16, plus an extra five for the chubby fellow.

• How many families will now have to spend Christmas in nuclear shelters to protect them from the malignant miasma of a Phil Collins record infecting the charts, even though much of the toxicity has been diluted by • Steve’s trademark bland delivery? The 2.5 million homes without a copy of Robbie Williams’s Greatest Hits, the rest aren’t worth saving.

• The number of rehearsed emotional eye-squints, calculated ticks and florid gestures that EastEnders producers will scrape off the TV screen and transplant onto the marble-set expressions of the cast in time for the New Year sensationalism? 391.

• How much better for music would it have been if G4’s Jonathan’s two-fingered gun he used to illustrate the “Mama, just killed a man…” Bohemian Rhapsody verse been exchanged with Kurt Cobain’s very real gun he used to blow his brains out? 100 per cent.

• The number of haunted castles who had to close for business over the weekend because their resident banshees had taken the coach to London to offer mindless, shrieking support in the X Factor audience? 412.

• If G4 were a football team who would they be? Spanish ’keeper Jose Canizares, Freddie Ljungberg, Adrian Mutu and a cocaine-addicted Diego Maradona. You can work out for yourself who is who.

• To what altitude could Kate Thornton’s balloon-like dress reach? If powered by the searing air coming from the fawning mouths of Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh it could reach the edge of the atmosphere.

• What was the best impression of how to cut one’s own throat with a razor-sharp gaffe? Louis Walsh on G4’s Bohemian Rhapsody: “Brian May loved it.”

• How many puppeteers had to be enslaved into pulling facial strings to enable Kate Thornton to keep churning out the incessant verbal platitudes and thrilled expressions about a pair of quite appalling acts? 12, and another six to contort her pointing hand into such grotesque shapes it looked like it belonged on a burning corpse.

• The number of cheap credibility props. Two, Steve’s gospel choir and G4’s rendition of classical tune Nessun Dorma.

• For how many years would Iggy Pop have to be buried in the permafrost before he was capable of performing with the same studied emotional rigidity of G4? 23,000 years.

• What animal does G4 most resemble? A chameleon. As long as Jonathan was the head and body, it could quickly grow another tail that would hopefully be less parasitic than the other three.

• How many laws of physics did Simon Cowell rewrite? Two. Steve winning in a two-horse race would apparently be “unbelievable”, and that he’d like his dumb cash cow to win “1000 per cent”.

• At what point did the X Factor judges begin to resemble juvenile gods on Mount Olympus playing out their petty squabbles through tepid dramas involving legions of worthless, expendable human lives? From the very first show.

• If G4 don’t release Bohemian Rhapsody as a single, what else could it be used for? The copious emotional vacuum could be pumped into Lenin’s tomb to ensure the dead communist is looking fresh faced well into the next millennium.

• How many occasions did Kate employ the old Ant & Dec lie of “The vote is too close to call!” to squeeze that last penny from the shaking hands of an infirm pensioner? Nine.

• How many international conspiracies were solved? One, Ukrainian presidential candidate Victor Yuschenko was poisoned by consuming concentrated doses of X Factor broadcasts, that gradually eroded away his health.

• How many ludicrous dandies were in the audience? One, Sharon’s vocal coach pal with a dyed beard bedecked all in purple which made him look like a gruesome hybrid of Billy Connolly and David Icke.

• How many performers emerged with credit? One, Robert Unwin (the bloke who did the warped version of Barbie Girl in the audtions), who packed more passion into his version of Tragedy than the nine finalists managed all series.

• What London monument does each judge most represent? Simon is the House of Lords with all its antiquated delusions of power and moral intellect; Sharon is some scaffolding on St Paul’s cathedral keeping a national treasure intact but mistakenly assuming people have come to see her rickety old planks; while slimy Louis is the sewers absorbing all the emotional effluence before recycling it and passing it off as his own conceited wisdom.

• How many of the 50,000 entrants were represented at the final? The crushed dreams of 41,991 appeared as the flaky remnants of damned souls in the form of ticker tape that rained down on the victorious Steve.

• If Radiohead’s Creep was a rock and roll corpse left abandoned on the battleground during the eternal conflict between rock and pop, how have pop adversaries Louis Walsh and his bleached goblins G4 desecrated the cadaver with their version? In so many ways, starting off by sticking a lifesize dildo of Brian McFadden up its arse.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

11/12/2004

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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