Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Series Four, BBC3

by | Apr 4, 2004 | All, Reviews

What is it?

Likeable, liberated (i.e. they talk about sex a lot) sitcom about down-to-earth twentysomethings in down-to-earth Runcorn, Cheshire. Back for a fifth series.

What to say if you liked it

It’s the antidote to all those up-themselves metropolitan “comedies” about affluent/neurotic trendies.

What to say if you didn’t like it

It’s so dreadfully provincial, darling.

What was good about it?

• They haven’t fiddled with it. It’s still Janet and Johnny, Donna and Gaz – plus Louise, the sitcom world’s only affluent/neurotic trendy who’s actually funny.

• Great funeral red-herring (we thought it was Johnny’s, but it wasn’t – and he made a show of himself to prove it).

• Great idea having Donna react to her mother’s death by getting extra-horny with grief. Political correctness? Sorry mate, wrong sitcom.

• Louise shouting “I’d like a latte, please” through her prison cell door. Real life vs Costa Culture, captured in five words.

What was bad about it?

• It could do with being fiddled with a bit – the Janet and Johnny, Donna and Gaz format is look just a bit tired, and even Louise is running out of crazy poses to adopt.

• They’ve lost Bev Callard, who was simply wonderful as Donna’s sluttish mum. She’s gone back to Coronation Street, where she plays the largely irrelevant Liz McDonald (not necessarily a great career move, although the pay’s probably better).

• Will Mellor being serious (as in Gaz’s ongoing impotency storyline) doesn’t always work. He’s on safer ground as a shag-happy buffoon.

The Top 5 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3, Sunday

1 – Jonny’s loss of income. “I’ve been banned from the off licence. I won’t be able to do my youth work [buying cider for 10-year-olds]. I bring joy to the community. Once they get a couple of cans down them, you can see their faces light up.”

2 – Louise moaning about her lack of luck jobhunting. “They come up with feeble excuses. Too young, too short, no pilot’s licence.”

3 – Gaz moaning about his 96 hours without sex. He’s not even masturbating “which adds about three hours to my day.”

4 – Janet’s message of appeasement to Donna on the box of chocolates gift. “Please forgive me Donna Dons for causing so much pain. But I only shagged your boyfriend once and I deffo won’t do it again.”

5 – Kelly organising a threesome for Gaz, involving her and a sheep

The Top 5 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3, Sunday

1 Janet and Jonny dancing to the Girls Aloud version of Jump

2 Jonny’s joy about becoming a dad – “I’ve decided to be a strict and rather intimidating father” – and his delight with his new car – “I said to myself ‘As soon as I get a car, I’ll be peeling off women like scabs’.”

3 Louise’s main preoccupation ahead of her trial – finding a nice dress. “It makes me look innocent,” she said of the purple number she’d picked.

4 Barmaid Kelly tells Gaz why she’s never been successful with men. “My mum always said I wasn’t slutty enough. She’s a prostitute.”

5 Gaz’s bulge in his boxers

The Top 5 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3, Sunday

1 Loopy Louise appointing herself as a counsellor, based on the knowledge she’d gleaned from just one session as a patient. She donned intellectual glasses to look inside Janet’s head – and did the inkblot test using Ainsley Harriott cook-in sauce.

2 Kelly at the baker’s throwing rolls at a customer who’d asked for wheat-free

3 Kelly falling unconscious after being kissed by Gaz – but he then just stepped over her as he made a quick exit from the Archer’s

4 Gaz and Janet turning the tables on blackmailing Louise

5 Jonny being excited about getting married. Pity that no-one else cared.

Top 5 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3

1 – Donna gives a family heirloom – a music box – to Janet as a bridal shower present. “I used that to drown out the noise of my mum doing her pilots.” “Pilates.” “No, they were definitely pilots.”

2 – Janet’s party preparation: flushing the loo. Louise’s party preparation: picking up a bewildered homeless asylum seeker called Slobodan. “He doesn’t speak English but he seems like a laugh.”

3 – Jonny’s stag do – spritzers, dominos, crisps, a strip by Gaz and humiliation: being tied naked to a lamp post. “This is the best ever!”

4 – Jonny wanting to call the baby Churchill: “That dog’s a national institution.”

5 – Jonny not wanting a stripper at his stag do. “I’ve got some phone numbers of the really dirty ones. So you know which ones to avoid.”

Top 7 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3

1 – Jonny and Janet waking up inside an Iceland truck, surrounded by crabs and with kebab juice on the wedding dress. Gradually they pieced together the details of the drunken night before. “I formulated a plan,” said Jonny. “An elaborate yet time conserving plan. Which I’ve now forgotten.”

2 – Janet worrying about the lack of oxygen in the van. “You can have some of mine,” says Jonny, blowing at her.

3 – Louise getting upset when her impending court appearance is overshadowed by Jonny and Janet’s wedding. “People get married every day. It’s not every day you can see a friend in court charged with homicide… life in the streets.”

4 – Gaz waking up with a ticklish pineapple between his legs; Donna waking up with a bottle of Bud poking into her back

5 – Jonny – “You’re too good for me.” Janet – “No I’m not. I’m just as rubbish.”

6 – Jonny and Janet being married by a crab.

7 – The registrar remaining unflappable during the mayhem of the wedding – until she hears that Gaz owns a Hanson album.

Top 10 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3

1 –Gaz putting on so much weight that he couldn’t get sex, had to remove the driving seat so he could squeeze in his van, and dunked his pizza in milkshake.

2 – Gaz wanking himself thin with three months of Gazturbation, aided by Munch who provided porno mags, tissues and encouragement – and got splashed in the face for his trouble

3 – Donna’s reaction to Gaz’s weight gain. “You appear to have spent the last five months inhaling butter. Did you get so hungry you ate your entire porn collection?” (He only ate the porn with bits of food on it)

4 – Louise’s community service – being in charge in five chavettes (who eat hormone-fed Netto fayre) who have to do public works. “I’d rather have gone to prison,” Louise moans. “At least there’s central heating and lesbians to tease.”

5 – Donna becoming a career bitch and being pictured on page 32 of Bucket World Monthly.

6 – Donna reaching her 4000-buckets-in-a-week sales target (unknowingly aided by Gaz). “Take that Anita Roddick, you poodle-headed hippy.”

7 – Jonny digging around in his groin and then sniffing and licking his finer.

8 – Jonny worrying about the baby inside Janet biting his bellend.

9 – Jonny’s panic attack when he lands a job at The Archers and his disastrous time behind the bar, ending up having to pay £57 for damages, spillages and general Jonnyness.

10 – Janet’s short-term obsession with tidiness

Top 5 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3

1 – Donna hating Gaz for being hunky again, instead of chunky. Barmaid Kelly realises Donna “wants a tasty portion of raw cock from her ex-boyfriend” but Donna tries to resist. “I’m going round there to smack him in his stupid, gorgeous face, spit on his wretchedly sexy thighs and kick him in his fine, fine booty.”

2 – Gaz practising for fatherhood with a monkey puppet, while Jonny uses a burned doll he found in a skip. Jonny fails to impress the ante-natal class when he drop kicks the doll across the room.

3 – Janet is told that if she doesn’t know the answer at the pub quiz, she should put Shirley Williams or Uruguay. So when the question comes up “Who won the first World Cup?” she confidently answers Shirley Williams.

4 – Gaz talking to Jonny about impending fatherhood – “You’ll need to be there for his scary first wank. He’ll think he’s broken it.”

5 – Louise says she’s completed the cryptic crossword “as long as Slokyog is a word”.

Top 5 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3

1 – Jonny preparing for the impending birth of his son (well, Gaz’s son but he doesn’t knew that) by producing a kettle and a roll of kitchen towel, while Janet is knocking back lager (“devil’s juice,” according to Jonny) and taking it all in her stride. A bemused Jonny asks: “Aren’t you supposed to be saying ‘You aren’t coming anywhere near me with that thing again’.”

2 – Jonny’s relief when Janet started behaving properly and screaming in agony. Somewhat tempered when she grabbed his balls so he’d know the pain she was enduring.

3 – Louise pushing Janet to hospital in a wheelchair when the ambulance gets delayed because it run Gaz down. The best bit came when Louise let go, Janet hared down a hill with Louise in hot pursuit. Janet managed to stop at the bottom; Louise couldn’t and went tumbling over a wall.

4 – The birth of baby Corinthian McVitie Keogh

5 – Jonny on his fear of authority figures. “It all started with that lollipop man. The one I tried to lick.”

Top 5 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3

1 – Janet becoming a baby bore, admiring Corinthian’s snot bubbles, cheesy weezy knees and flippety floppy chubby chops. “Mummy could just vomit with love, couldn’t she? If the stitchy witchies wouldn’t busty wusty.”

2 – Jonny being miffed because he’s being neglected by Janet. “I thought I’d be the one busting your stitchy witchies.” “It’s all b-b-b-this and b-b-b-that. It’s like living with Gareth Gates.” He resorts to climbing inside the pram and putting on a nappy to get some attention.

3 – Louise’s shock when she walks in on Donna having sex with Gaz, who’s crying “Bite it, bite it.”

4 – Kelly getting lots of sex (including fun with Felix “Bring your own condom. Mine’s being darned”) while Louise misses out. Louise attempts to woo Felix. “Have you been watching Top Gear?” doesn’t work. Nor does “I’m going to infiltrate your social circle and slowly become your girlfriend.” Treating him like a dog does the trick, though.

5 – Janet complaining that her “chuff is like a wizard’s sleeve” and getting upset when she missed Corinthian’s first sneeze. “I’ll grind some pepper in his face,” Jonny offers. But Janet finally relaxes in the pub, downing a pint in one and ending up on the bartop doing a striptease.

Top 6 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3

1 – Gaz scoffing HRT tablets – “Instant sensitivity. Woman in a bottle.” It makes him like a refreshing glass of Pimms, and say things like “That’s an adorable cot” and “I now think about what’s coming out of Natasha Kaplinksy’s mouth rather than what I could stick into Natasha Kaplinsky’s mouth.”

2 – Gaz delivering a continental breakfast in bed to Donna. “The continent in question being Asia with particular emphasis on the Madras region of India.” It’s leftover curry. He tries again with After Eight mints. “Where’s the toast?” asks Donna, at which point Gaz raises a glass of wine. “To Donna, a very special lady.”

3 – Jonny claims he’s Jewish. Janet – “If you were Jewish, you wouldn’t celebrate Christmas, wouldn’t eat pork scratchings and couldn’t hold three marbles under your foreskin.”

4 – Johnny teaching six-week-old Corinthian the names of biscuits. “I love him very much but he’s a bit boring.”

5 – Jonny admits he’s been dangling the baby at the window. Janet – “When dealing with young children, Michael Jackson is not your best role model.”

6 – Janet being forced to choose between God (Louise) and the Devil (Donna) to become Corinthian’s godmother

Top 7 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3

1 – Janet rubbing a Jammy Dodger on her neck and chest to arouse Jonny and then making him a romantic meal: beer a la can, Croque Monsieur Oeuf (that’s egg butty) and Dodger a la Jammy.

2 – Jonny is jealous about Gaz so Janet tries to reassure him. “His knob was much too massive and yours is nice and dinky.”

3 – Donna looking through the newspaper ads for a new home. “This one sounds good. Charming, extremely well built and large. Oh, that’s the personals. Why would a man describe himself as cottagey?”

4 – Jonny – “Chucklevision has no educational value unless you count learning how to look like a paedophile.”

5 – Jonny’s speechless excitement when he spots his dream job advertised in the newspaper – a biscuit factory trainee.

6 – Louise falls in love with her mobile phone (before falling for the equally squeaky fashion designer). “I’m so in love it feels like all the awful things in the world have disappeared. Murder, famine, the Bedingfields. They don’t exist to me anymore.”

7 – Gaz complains about the taste of the beer. The cause? Kelly is keeping sex toy Arthur tied up in the cellar and when she had him over a barrel, his weak bladder got the better of him.

Top 5 highlights of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, BBC3

1 – Janet landing a job as a cruise ship singer, thanks to her performance of the Titanic theme tune, even though she didn’t know the words. The star spotter, played by the brilliant Ted Robbins, said: “You completely shat on Jane McDonald. Welcome to Speedy Cruise. I’m going to make you a star among the widows and diabetic community.”

2 – Donna and Gaz preparing for their move to posh pastures new (Knowsley) by speaking nicely and changing their names to Keith and Keith.

3 – Jonny’s excitement about his interview at the Jammie Dodgers factory.

4 – Louise and new boyfriend Mickey screeching at each other. He’s the stylist to the stars of Hollyoaks and had big plans for Louise. “I’ve massaged the egos of the whole cast of Bread so you should be a Ken Doddle.”

5 – Jonny and Gaz manfully restraining their emotions at the pub, but then eventually cracking and hugging.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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